Second doctors visit, morning sickness... afternoon sickness, evening sickness, and more excuses for the hubby!

It was my third trip to the office, but my second visit with the doctor, last visit was just for an ultrasound. I'm going to post the picture as soon as I can scan it. It was such a strange feeling seeing the heartbeat.... stranger still because it was my mother who was standing beside me and not Tano. That part hurts. He doesn't even know I've seen it, doesn't know I have the picture. Despite knowing that hes going to flip when I do find the courage to tell him I am keeping our child, I still feel guilty about experiencing these things without him. I just know if I tell him I have the pictures hes going to know I'm keeping this baby, and I am just not ready for that conversation / fight / revelation yet.

Doctor said fetus is growing well, so glad to have that miscarriage scare behind me. My mother had lots of questions about the methadone. Questions I already answered but who can blame her for wanting to ask a doctor? You know, considering the last time we had a pregnancy scare she told me I would be getting an abortion - not asked, told me! Its amazing how supportive she is being. My grandmother and brothers too. And surprisingly, my asshole of a stepfather is excited! It'll be different than just having weekends with Miguel (my late fiances son who I still spend weekends with) who is four now. Miguel calls my step father Pop Pop and my mother Mommom, they eat it up. It will definitely be different when its my child. I am so grateful to have such a supportive family. Especially with Kevin, my twenty year old brother. I raised him when my father left and my mother worked three jobs. He is my lifeblood and we were inseparable growing up. Until heroin pulled me so far away from him. I know there is a resentment there for all the hell I have put this family through, but I feel like this pregnancy is bringing us closer together again. He is excited. And when I told him about it and showed him the ultrasound, I told him why I wouldn't have an abortion and he was quick to chime in that getting an abortion could make it harder to have a baby later. He wants this baby.

All of this is so wonderful but I just wish Tano was a part of it. There is no other man in the world I would ever want to be the father to my child. The fact that this baby is a part of him and me, its a life we created made from the both of us, that is so amazing to me. As strong as our love is, of course we should create something so beautiful from it! I've heard the quote, "how can you love someone so much you just met?" in regards to a woman holding her new born baby. I hope this is the case, but is quite a reality that I may be sacrificing the incredible amazing love my husband and I have for this child.

It wasn't all a lie, I really thought that I loved him enough to be able to talk myself into an abortion - but I just can't do it. It is no reflection on our love, but on myself and what I'm not capable of doing. I won't feel guilty for this. I wont!

" I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes. Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one. Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love. You left another message said it's done... It's done..."
So anyway, the doctor wants to see me back in four weeks. He told me to stop taking my prenatal vitamins because they could be part of what is making me so tired I nod off all day and night, even with full nights of sleep and naps. He said to start taking them again during my second trimester. I will be ten weeks on Sunday. Morning sickness has been kicking my ass horribly. Until I googled a remedy and found that taking a B6 pill at night along with a phenegram (which I had an old prescription of from being a nauseous heroin addict) at night would ease the sickness. To my amazement the sickness vanished! Vanished over night! This truly is the miracle cure! At least for me.

Of course there are moments. Driving Kevins truck to Tano's house today so he could do the brakes I had to pull over and didn't quite get the door open in time. Tano did clean the door for me when I got to his house. ( I got most of it with an old rag Kevin had in the jeep.) This is why I want him to be a part of this pregnancy so badly, Tano that is. Even without supporting it he has been amazing, cleaning the vomit for me, always asking if I need a nap and making me dinners. God why can't we share this time?!

"You have a beautiful, beautiful smile, the way it curls and collapses on your lips. When you touch me I shake like a child. It’s late, I'm afraid you might leave, 'Cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me. There's nothing I can do to concentrate, it's so distracting, always thinking of you."

This entry is so scattered I am sorry. I am about to go over Tano's house now to spend the evening with him and Elijah (his 9year old son). As excited as Elijah was for his baby cousin to be born I wish I could tell him he's going to have a new brother or sister, I know he would just die with happiness. He is such a good kid.

I want to tell Tano so badly. I just want to get it over with so we can get to the part where he forgives me for lieing to him or misleading him and he can be the supportive Dad. Especially considering hes already done this whole pregnancy thing twice! Its my first and I'm scared.

Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much. I felt something that I had never touched..."