Losing him....

Its been a while and I'm sorry for that. Once again I was hoping and praying and bartering with God that he would make this go away. Since I'm passed the stages of my crippling morning sickness (I really want a boy hope that doesn't mean its a girl! - though I'll be happy either way!) it was a bit easier to turn my head and pretend this wasn't happening. Until today....

My husband and I were in the car having a normal good morning and I told him to pull over. He was in a left turn lane at an intersection so he just stopped cos the light was red and I opened the door. Luckily there was no one behind us but I was puking out the door so I don't think they would have honked. When I sat back up and the light changed again cos I had puked through the first green light, I just couldn't help crying. After a few minutes of silence by husband said in a voice I didn't recognize, "exactly how far are you now?" I told him 12 weeks, even though I was thirteen yesterday, I don't know what one week makes as far as a difference. He didn't say anything for a few minutes and then he said, "you and your mother have no intention of aborting this baby do you?"

I looked at him shocked - I don't know why. Maybe because I was sobbing and I guess I just assumed he knew why. I asked him, "why do you think I'm crying right now?" In a sarcastic voice but I didn't mean it so I said again, "I'm serious, I really wanna know why you think I'm crying right now?" He said he had no idea. I told him, sobbing now, that this wasn't fair! I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, I didn't poke holes in his condoms I didn't go off birth control, I didn't want this, but it happened. And now everyone was so quick to make all their plans with or without this child and I'm left to try to make everyone happy. Now the rest of my life has to be changed, because of something I DO NOT want. And thats the truth, though I dont want to abort, I did not want to be pregnant! I didn't! Not for anything, I didn't want this to happen.

He asked how the rest of my life was going to change and I said having an abortion. He asked how that was the rest of my life and I asked him if he thought I was never going to think about? It was never going to bother me? And he said no, I shouldn't and it wouldn't. He said that he couldn't tell that I wanted this. He said that my mother was doing a fine job of talking me into keeping it. I asked him what the hell he meant. He referred to a letter I gave him a few days ago because when I need to pour my heart out, I can't do it without crying like an asshole so I give him letters. This one told him that I didn't feel important to him anymore, loved or wanted and I didn't. He avoided my house like sleeping in my bed would give him the bug (that last post where he was going to come over - he never did.) He only ONCE told me he loved me without me saying it first, sometimes he wouldn't even say it back though he had always claimed not to say it too often to lose meaning, he never kissed me for no reason, he never put his arm around me or pulled me close to him anymore - things he had done a million times before. I used to feel on top of the world cos I got to be his girl. I used to walk around with so much confidence just from being his girl, but latley I didn't feel shit from him.

He told me, that the letter was nearly ver batum exactly what my mother had had a conversation with him about. I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he said the part about making a clean break. Now - I NEVER mentioned a clean break in the letter. I told him that if he didn't love me anymore to have mercy, because I left his house in tears every single night feeling miserable because he didn't want to be with me anymore. I told him that if this is as far as we go that he needs to have a heart and tell me, and let me go, because I will NEVER be able to walk away from him and thats the truth. Hes going to have to be the one to leave me because I could never leave him. But there is NO SUCH THING as a clean break from him. My heart is so tangled with his and my soul is his soul, there is no clean breaking. There is shattering my heart and ripping my soul out of my body and leaving me in pieces. I would NOT call that a clean break.

Also my mother kills me, she still treats me and anyone I'm involved with like we're 12 years old. If she thinks something is going on she wants to sit everyone down and have a talk. Its so frusterating because I KNOW she wants to do it from a good place, but he is 35 years old! You CANNOT talk to a grown man like that. Tano is not in a relationship with my mother, he's in the relationship with me and my mother DOES NOT get that she is NOT a part of it! Before anyone tells me shes just doing a mom thing, its so much more than that. We have NO boundries, she has NO boundries with my life. She told me just last week she doesn't want me going back to school, she wants me to have this baby, have no education or job and HAVE to live off of her for the rest of my life so she can control everything. She's had numerous SECRET talks with Tano behind my back that of course HE tells me about but the things she says are awful!

At the same time I'm dsigusted that everytime I pour my heart out to him he finds some way to minimize it, to diminish anything good I say to him - this time by acting as if my mother wrote it with me. In reality, my mother knows as LITTLE as possible. Its HUMILIATING to not be touched or loved or wanted by your own husband, why would I tell her any of that? My mother knows as LITTLE about our relationship. Less than you all know.

Anyway, he acted as if she wrote the note with me and thats when I just shut up. It was so insulting and such an asshole thing to say. To totally devaule the fact that I poured my heart out ot him in that note. He went out to say that I should just have it and I said "its really easy for you isn't it? Isn't it? To say have the abortion and never think about it again!" And he said, "yes it is." I'm sure part of this comes from his ex wife having six or eight abortions and having no problem with it but thats not me. And he knows that. I've told him time and time again before any of this happened I could never have an abortion.

Anyway, he finally went on to say this: If you have this kid I AM NOT staying with. I dont want any more kids. I dont dont dont dont!

And that was it. He has no idea but that was it, that was the end of our years. Because he had said many times in the past that he wanted kids. Once sitting on either side of glass talking on telephones after we were arrested and I made bail and he had no bail, he told me he wanted to have kids with me. Another time he called me from the jail and I was sitting in our living room after our dog had puppies. My mother and grandmother were there and made a comment about all the puppies running around. Tano said, "just wait til their little puerto rican babies running around!" Another time when his brothers girl became pregnant I made a joke that we would tell his mom we were pregnant and then say sike! Just so it would lessen the shock of his brothers pregnancy. I said we'll tell her we're having twins, yeah right! His exact words were "yeah right! If you were blessed with twins we'd have them!" All signs he wanted kids. Then suddenly after his neice was born the last day of June this year and his brother told us he was done, no more kids Tano says, "I'm done, I've been done!" I was shocked.

So when we found out we were pregnant, I brought it up. After talking for a while he told me that if thats something I wanted he wouldn't take that away from me, we could do it, but when our lives were right for it. Then today he said what he did. He didn't say, I dont want any more kids right now, I dont I dont I dont dont.... NO! He said, "I DONT WANT ANY MORE KIDS." He didn't say we could later - he doesn't want kids. He doesn't want anymore. He's didn't realize what he was saying but I did. I dont' know if he told me he would because he meant it or because he was scared I'd keep this baby if he said no. But I heard him today - loud and clear.

I don't know that I'm willing to give up having kids for him.... I wasn't even supposed to get pregnant and how look! How can I give this up? What if it never happens again?  I don't know....

NO ONE as even ONCE asked me what I wanted. Not once. And I still dont even know. Even I keep this baby I don't know that I'm going to keep it... I may chose adoption. I haven't decided yet because I've been so busy trying to satisfy everyone else....

I lost my husband. Unless I am willing to never have a child of my own and his youngest is 9 so its not like I'll ever be considered a mom..... I lost him.

But I can't help but thinking this isn't the end for us. The times in the past we've fought and broken up (the longest of which lasted one week when he broke up with me and then I ignored his calls cos I thought he meant it but just wanted me to give him rides or whatever and thats why he was calling but I knew I could never just be friends with him so I ignored the calls - finally answered and realized he'd been trying to get back together with me since the day after he broke up with me) anyway, the times we've broken up in the past, I've always known it wasn't over. One time he looked me dead in the eye and called me by my full name, "Melissa ______ ," he said which was odd enough because he NEVER calls me Melissa, always Mel unless he was REALLY mad at me. He looked at me and said, "Melissa _____ its over." And though I had been crying and asking him not to, I finally listened to my heart and I told him, "No its not. And you know as well as I do this isn't over. We're meant to be together, we're going to be together, maybe not today or tomorrow maybe not in two years but we will be. We're going to be together." I just felt it in my heart. That was in March of this year and we were back together that night - twice haha.

I just know that what we have is so special and theres no way to explain it. I've felt like this before but never like this. Anyone who is truley in love knows what I mean - but at the same time, MANY think they're truly in love but come to find out they're not. I am. We are. And I know we are meant to be together. Its going to hurt when we break up when I have this baby, but I just KNOW we can't stay away from each other. He's the Ross to my Rachael and we will be end up together.

You all think I'm crazy, but until you feel what we feel, you'll never know. Even when I wanted to leave him I knew it wasn't over, it wasn't going to be over. I said fuck it, instead of spending miserable months weeks, years, whatever apart and then starting to work foward, lets skip the whole fake break up stage and just start the moving on part.

I need help and I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to. I can't trust my mother, I can't talk to Tano.... the closest thing I have to a best friend is somewhere in Boston - I'm in Baltimore - so that doesn't work. I just feel so depressed and miserable.

Well.... at least morning sickness is over.... cept for random spouts like in the car today... I keep thinking if that hadn't happened we never would have had this fight.

UGH. I can't tell you how badly I wish I had told him from the jump I was going to keep this baby - if thats even what I want to do! I wish I could just press pause...

In other news...

I want to tell him so badly. I'm surprised he hasn't been asking. There have been times we've been lying on his couch together and I've almost shouted it out haha. I just want to get it out of me so badly. But I am so scared. I just want to pretend everything is okay for as long as possible. I am 12 weeks today.

Dear Baby,


I know this is terribly cheesy, but I've been inspired to write to you as Hilarie Burton as Peyton Sawyer makes videos for her unborn baby on One Tree Hill. It may be horrible, but I adore this show. In times of peril I have one way more than one occasion channeled Brooke Davis by asking myself, "what would B. Davis do?" I truly love her strength, Sophia Bush in life and Brooke Davis on screen. I just have so many things running through my head and I'm not sure which are to be said to you and which to your father.

Your father. Its so strange writing those words. Scary too. Before I met your father, I dated a man I loved very much. He was killed however, in front of me. He had a son with a woman who wasn't even two that day. He lost a father who loved him very much. I worry, often, that you may not end up with a father. I need you to know, just in case anything were to happen, that your father is the most incredible amazing man to ever take a breath. Your father saved my life, figuratively and literally. He gave me back the ability to not only love, after losing the man I was with before him, but the ability to be loved. It took a while and a great deal of ups and downs. I cannot begin to tell you all your father and I have been through together. During everything, I can promise you, I never doubted your fathers love for me. He has always made me feel beautiful and special and loved.

I look at your father nearly ever day, just last night in the car I glanced over at him in my drivers seat as we left the movies and I just took him in. His face and his body and his clothes and his smell. Its hard to explain, but for some reason, for no special reason, I fell in love with your father all over again last night. There was nothing he said or did, there was no need for it. I am amazed day in and day out at his love for me. How it conquers all. Our love. I pray and I hope that you are blessed with the unique gift that your father and I found in our love. I would love to show you the letters he has written me, the things he has said. What we have is so special and so incredible. We've said over and over you cannot fake what we have, you cannot will it into existence. It is born only from true and tired trials of love. I just need you to know, that your father is the most beautiful man to ever live.

He is also, the most incredible father. I remember one specific incident where Mariah was upset, she had done something wrong and the family found out and she was upset and your grandmother Jeanette was upset. Your father was with me and he got on the phone with her. He told her not to get upset, he told her that everything was going to be okay, that he was always on her side and not to freak out, they would figure it all out. I was so amazed at his maturity and love and knowledge of just what to say and mean. I told him when he hung up that I wished my father had been half the father he is, I would have turned out better. Your father is so in love with his children, and I know that you will be no different.

I have so many questions for you, as if you could tell me the future. I have been waiting so long for you. Now I know that it was just a matter of time, I had to meet your father, because you could have no other father. I had to wait for us to be where we are, even if it is not the PERFECT situation for us to have our baby, I know that it had to be now. We went through trials and it took going through them, each of them, to come out on the other side stronger. Now I cannot imagine going through anything without him, or losing him for anything, there is nothing we could lose each other for we haven't been through. I know now, that all these years I was unable to get pregnant it was because I was meant to be here, with you and your father.

You are already so special to me. I have for all of my life, felt I was destined for something great. Despite all the trials I have been through, and there have been many, I have always felt i would end up somewhere right. I just had no idea what and when that would come to be. Now I know it was you I was waiting for you. This child growing inside of me that is made of your father and of me and no one else. Your father has given me the greatest gift, something no other man could ever give me.

This is all so new to me. The swollen feet, the bleeding gums, stuffy nose.... MORNING SICKNESS! Child I have to tell you, I did not think I was going to make it those second two months. There were a few times I had to pull over while driving, once while driving your Uncle Kevins truck, your father was putting new brakes on it that day, and I didnt quite make it out of the car. Got sick all over the inside of his jeeps door. When I got to your fathers house I asked him for something to clean it up with.... he went out and did it for me.  Again, your father is so incredible. I really was under the impression morning sickness was a wake up in the morning, feel sick, throw up and be done with it for the day kind of deal. Who the heck gave the name morning sickness to something that lasts all day and all night? Awful!

I've been reading alot of those old wives tales on gender. I have my little wish but I won't say anything just yet! I know you are going to be perfect and amazing no matter what your gender is. One says if I sleep on my right its a girl, but I've always slept on my right so does that still apply? Another says if your left breast is bigger during pregnancy its a girl but I dont think my breasts have changed sizes at all and my left one has always been a little bigger. The chinese calander says you are a boy but the mayan calender says you are a boy. My taste for salt says your a boy. Morning sickness, says girl. The fact that I've been so clumsy and had pregnancy brain says boy. I guess anything is fifty percent right!

I want you to know I've changed my life for you. I've been very sick for a very long time. But beautiful things came from it. A lot of horrible things have happened in my life, but every single one of them led me to your father and to you. That makes every thing that has ever happened not just okay but worth it. So much more than worth it. I am grateful for every hardship I have had in my life - some of which halted entirely when I learned I was pregnant with you. Some of the more destructive choices I made in my life I no longer had the privilege of making because they would affect you directly. I will do anything, everything, to protect you.

I am so excited to meet you, I cannot wait to hold you and see how much you look like your father. I want you to have his beautiful soulful eyes. I'm also terrified. But I know so long as your father is there with me to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay - I will be fine.

Thats all I have for now, I will write again soon.

I love you,
Mom

I dont usually post this late....

But I just have to say, seeing all these accidents lately is starting to weird me out. Its been going on for nearly three months now, seems every major accident on 695 happens right before we get there or as we get there. We being me and Tano. Saturday night alone we came to an accident on the bridge where 702 begins and 695 branches off, a sports car was in two big pieces and a million small ones. A few cars around it had crashed into each other and walls, police weren't there yet.  Two more accidents from there to his house, 2 miles away at the most. On the way back two police cars came flying down 702 on the other side of the median as I was, a few seconds later they came flying up behind me, heading to the major accident on my side of the highway. At my exit there was another one.

Tonight as I'm driving home suddenly a white sedan a little ways ahead of me swerves out of control for no reason, a mini van I guess moves to get out of the way and over corrects goes up on two wheels and flips four times, two other cars crash into each other and glass flies everywhere. THANK GOD everyone was okay. I mean, scrapes and bumps but no broken bones or deaths which is incredible.

A few years ago a drunk driver hit a coupe right in front of me. I was with my best friend in the car who was an MP (militiary police) in the national gaurd. We stopped, this was just a year after my best friend Kevin died in a car accident at the age of 21. We ran to the first car and the guys were WASTED, Flea stayed with them and I ran to the coupe. A YOUNG girl, maybe 17 was in it. It was crushed and I could see her chest was crushed, she grabbed my hand, scared to fucking death. I told her help was on its way, I told her everything would be okay, not to worry. All she said over and over was "please don't leave me,". That girl died holding my hand that night. The two drunk men, including the drunk driver, didn't even have a scrape on them.

A couple months later, I found out that girls cousin was friends with my best friend Jeremy and had heard I was there with her cousin. I still have the letter she sent me printed out and saved. She just thanked me for being there with her, for knowing her cousin wasn't alone when she died meant the world to her. I can't even write about that letter, it'll make me sob. 

Car accidents fuck me up. Not even a week after that girl died, Felicia (Flea) and I left a party at our friends house which is WAY in the boondocks and has tons of windy roads with sharp S turns around a reservoir, Loch Raven reservoir leaving Phoenix / Jacksonville. We passed a car that had driven off the road and into the woods, I refused to get out of the car this time, Flea went and came back and said she hadn't seen the driver but someone who lived right there said he was okay, he was back in the woods getting stuff out of his car. I got home about 20 minutes later, Flea had been gone for five minutes when she called me and all she said was, "it was jamie!" I said, what?! She said the car had belonged to our friend Jamie, he was the one who had driven off the road. I told Flea to pick me up she said she was already on her way, (I wasn't driving at this time, didn't have a license yet though I was old enough). We drove up faster than we should have and just ran to Jamie when we saw him. He grabbed each of us and just sobbed. He was so scared. Yeah, he was drunk. When we first stopped he had been in the woods ditching his bottle of vodka before the police got there.

Another night six or eight of us were at that same house in Jacksonville, this a year or so later. My ex boyfriend was in town from Texas and my best friend at the time Jeremy (a firefighter) was pretending to be my boyfriend to make my ex jealous haha. Stupid kid stuff. Anyway, we all decided to go back to a playground near my house to drink, though no one drunk was driving this time. I was in the car with Jeremy. As we came down the main road leading back into civilization, it was closed at one road and a detour led us around it. Jeremy knew from being a fire fighter, as many of our friends were and EMS's, when a road was shut down like this randomly with police at either end, it was an accident and someone was dead. Jeremy said he wanted to see a few times, just part of being a fire fighter. We found three days later it was our friend Brielle. Dead. She got into a lot of accidents and one night I found out it had been her and she was dead. I called Jeremy to come get me right away, he rushed over but didn't think too much of it cos I always needed him. (Everyone said we'd end up getting married haha but we really were just best friends, we had feelings at other times but never at the same time). In the car I told him I had to tell him something, I knew I should have waited til we got to the pool hall but I didn't. I said, "Brielle got into an accident," and Jeremy started laughing. "Another one?" he said. (She had been in ALOT but was always okay.) "Jeremy she didn't make it," I said and he stared at me while still driving the car. I will NEVER forget the look on his face. "Jeremy watch the road!" I shrieked and he corrected just in time.

A few weeks ago, Tano and I were heading back to his house. Traffic was in a dead stop. I kept complaining that the car in front of us had their hazards on and it was making my headache worse. When we got close enough to see the accident, a man was lieing in the road dead. A sheet over him but I could see his hand was up by his head and one of his shoes had flown off. There was a massive hole in his windshield where he had been thrown through. The ambulances are supposed to block this from site, but I saw it. I instantly dropped my head and prayed for this man and for forgiveness that while he was potentially dying I was complaining about hazard lights!

That was on a Sunday, that Saturday another accident happened just seconds before we got there. A red coupe was upside down and I will NEVER forget the lifeless body that was hanging from the passenger seat, the door was ripped off and there was a pool of blood underneath of this girls body, just hanging.... it was HORRIBLE.

I've just seen so many of them, and lost so many friends to them, as many people have. I'm not special, just sharing my experiences. And these are only some of them, but if I told you more, you wouldn't even believe me. I saw pictures of Brielles accident, I NEVER should have seen. But Jeremy being a fire fighter, had access to websites where these pictures were posted. The public was NOT supposed to see them. But he knew how fucked up on this shit I was and he asked if I wanted to see the pictures. I said I did and he sent me the link and the password. I saw how her car had burned, how she had been stuck inside of it...

My very very very good friend also died, not from a car accident. She had been on heroin her whole life almost, a hitch hiker, train hopper traveler, squatter, a life I lived for a while (believe it or not). She was in abusive relationships forever, never had a stable home her mother always kicked her out, was an alcoholic and a heroin addict foever with Hep C and it was rumored something else but I never believed it. She FINALLY got her life together. Was clean, living on a horse farm working for someone with the horses. One night she took half a suboxone and drank two beers and she never woke up. After years of being a dope fiend it was the fucking suboxone that killed her! This shit makes me so mad. I cannot tell you how beautiful a woman this girl was. She and I had a special bond that was never explained or justified, there was no real bonding moment, no long talk or time we spent together. We just always got each other. We never questioned it. This girl was as real as they fucking come. She died from two fucking beers and a sub. Her body just finally gave up. She just didn't wake up.  I know this isn't a car accident but it will make sense in a minute.

A year ago, though it doesn't seem like it, my best friends daugther was killed.*** A state trooper came flying so fast over a hill that it was said by the sheriff department he was outrunning his siren! The trooper slammed into Rachel was was making a left hand turn and her car instantly burst into flames, she was stuck inside. The tapes of police and EMS on scene reporting show one of the EMS ladies saying the car was fire and the dispatch asked if everyone was out, she says, "I can't get 120 out!" and her voice breaks. Rachel is now used in training videos for state troopers. Her case is. Its still so fucked up. She had JUST graduated highschool that month or the month before and wanted to be a police officer so she could be a CSI.

*** She may have legally went by the name Cambell, but her mothers name is Sharon, my best friend, and Rachael loved her mother very much and went by the name Sheeley. In some videos and sites you will see this woman her married her father talking about "losing a kid" she doesn't say daugther because Rachael was NOT her daughter. This woman said to Sharon, Rachaels mother THE DAY SHE DIED "isn't weird she wanted to be a cop and a cop killed her and weird she wanted to be a csi and it took csi to identify her?" VER BATUM! She said that to Rachaels mother! And it doesn't matter who she said it to how fucked up is that?!

I just want to make it clear because Sharon has sufferent INCREDIBLY and so often no one even recognized her as Rachaels mother. I can tell you they talked online daily, even when Rachael wasn't supposed to be on haha, Sharon tried to tell her to listen to her father but she wanted to talk to her daugther! She sent her packages at least twice a month, talked on the phone every other day. This girl was her life. Just a few days before it happened she showed me her graduation pictuer and they looked SO much alike. So beautiful.

I lost a fiance, he was murdered right in front of me, so I understand some of her pain, but a fiance is not a child. I said that to Kevin Hannigans mother when we attended his funeral. That was the same summer Rei, James and James died. His mother and little brother were standing outside the church and his little brother Brad and my little brother also named Kevin had been close. I said, "brad?" He said yes. "I'm Kevin Martins older sister," And he sort of nodded as if to say he knew who I was. "He sends his thoughts," I said. Their mother looked at me with tears pouring down her face and reached out to take my hand and thanked me. I said, "I am so sorry," my voice breaking and hugged her and kissed her cheek. "I lost a fiance," I said and she began to say she was sorry. "But thats not the same as a son," I said now crying. She said it was, it was.

On the pregnancy note, I don't think I've mentioned this before, if I have a girl her name is going to be Anaya-Rei (uh-nigh-ya ray) Leigh (lee) Alicea (al-ih-say-uh NOT uh-lee-cee-ya). Anaya meaning God heard, since I am not suppsoed to have this child, Rei for my friend Rei who died this year and for Sharons daugther Rachael, Leigh because it is my middle name and my mothers middle name and Alicea is Tano's last name. If I have a boy he is going to be named after his father, Candido Alicea or Tano Alicea. My husband is full blood Puerto Rican and doesn't have a middle name but my sons middle name will be Rei or Ray, once again for my girl who died and for Sharons daugther. I also want Sharon to be godmother.

This was a happy post. Lord and this isn't even anywhere NEAR all the deaths. Good night fucking moon.... I just had to get these thoughts out of my head. I had to organize them into something somewhat legible. I can't filter out these images and thoughts until I make sense of them and this was the only way I had to do that tonight. The accident tonight sent ALL these images flooding back through me.

Everything is going to change. . .

Thinking back I regret never telling you how I felt... I guess it feels worse. Well Alright, Tonight is our last night. Now you know exactly how I feel. The truth is out and I can see what's real. There's nothing left to talk about... well alright, tonight is our last night....

I don't know this song, have never heard it. But I came across the lyrics on a site. Today is his brothers birthday. Yes his brother who has NY and Yankee tattoos all over him has a 9/11 birthday. He hates that it happened on his birthday. His father won a set of golf clubs in a raffle but he didn't golf, she he traded them to someone who won NYY tickets for 9/11 in the same raffle. They were supposed to be at the game that day, but obviously it was cancelled. I don't know if I ever mentioned Tano and his family are from CT, so they are HUGE NYY fans. Damien has tattoos of NY and NYY all over him. Anyway, today is Dames 30 birthday I think. Tano is out running around with their mom right now getting stuff together to go to Tyesha's house for Dames surprise party. Knowing Jeanette they won't be there for more than an hour. I just came from Tanos house. After the party I'm going to pick him up and we're going to the movies and then hes coming back here to spend the night with me because he's doing David (My step dads) brakes tomorrow.


I am SO glad he is coming over. We NEVER get time alone anymore since we had to move back into our mothers homes. The last time we had alone time is after we had a HUGE fight. He said he didn't think the baby was even his. Which is impossible. He didn't mean it and I know he didn't mean it but that is NOT something you say to your pregnant girlfriend / wife / partner / whatever! I was furious. I think he may have told me he wanted nothing to do with me that day. He had gone a non sleeping binge since finding out we were pregnant. He hadn't slept in a few days. I begged him to come home with me that night because I knew the only way to put an end to it was to hold him until he fell asleep, its the only way to bring him back down. I'm the only one who can do it. I wrote to him once in jail and we had gone through a hard time where he wasn't sleeping and I wrote to him, "Do you know how many times I just wanted to lay with you, hold you and tell you everything was going to be ok? Just touch you until you fell asleep?" He told me he read that sentence over and over and over again for months. He wished so badly I had done just that.

Anyway I begged him that night to come home with me, but he wouldn't. I was home in bed a few hours later and I heard a car pull up outside and someone get out. I thought it was my older brother Bob being dropped off from work, his car had broke down and this was the norm every night. But in my heart I had an idea it was him. I jumped when he opened the door to my room. He didn't say much for nearly two hours. Finally I said, "I'm glad you came." He said, "I came because I wanted to punish you, I wanted to find ways to keep you as hurt as I am. I wanted to punish you," he turned and looked at me. "But the fucked up thing is I can't be this close to you and not want to feel your skin and your lips and your breath all over me." His voice cracked. He was hurting, badly, again. I sat still and I cried. He got up and paced the room, aggravated. Finally he said, "come here," in a voice I couldn't read. I walked to him and he pulled me against him and kissed me like it was the first time, or the last time.

That was the last time we were alone, the time before that, the night we got pregnant. Thats twice in over two months. Needless to say I am so happy he is coming over tonight. I don't even care what we do. I just want to be able to lay on his chest and hold him and for him to "lock me in" as he says. (This is when he lays on his back and I lay on my side and he drapes his leg over mine and pulls me close in against him and doesn't let me go.) Its been far too long since we've been able to do this, and I feel distant from him. I know a huge part of it is this secret I am keeping, the other is never being able to be alone.

In the last few days there have been times when sitting together on his couch in his mothers house watching movies when I have nearly blurted out, "I'm not aborting this baby!" In fact I've had to bite my tongue. I just want to tell him so badly. I don't think I was exactly waiting for us to have one more night together, but now that he is coming over to stay tonight, I feel like its going to be somewhat easier.... well, maybe not easier, but I have a feeling I'll be telling him sooner than if he hadn't been spending the night here. I just want to lay with him that way and pretend nothing is wrong at least one more time before our lives change forever.

And our lives are forever changed. We will never be the same. The more you change the less you feel. Believe, believe in me, believe... We'll crucify the insincere tonight. We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight. We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight. The indescribable moments of your life tonight. The impossible is possible tonight. Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight....

I have to tell him.... and much sooner than later.

He thinks I'm at home right now making calls finding out prices. In reality I was reading Rick and Sarahs blog. I really enjoy reading it, the way they write (very eloquent and articulate) and the wisdowm they seem to have beyond their years. That child is really blessed to be born into such a family and such a strong and positive love.

Anyway, I am really running out of time and I know that every day that goes by that I don't tell my husband I'm not aborting this baby, he's just going to get more upset. But I just want to be with him and imagine for as long as possible that everything is okay. That we are fine. I just want to keep him as long as possible and I just KNOW in my heart that he is going to need some space to clear his head. I imagine maybe a few months. Two years ago when he broke up with me (because of something that wasn't true and he much later came to know that) he still kept calling me. I stopped answering because if I couldn't be with him I couldn't be friends with him, not being that in love it just wasn't possible. Finally he sent me a text. I knew it was from him, because the number was SO similiar to his old cell number. He had just come home from a 7 month stretch in jail because he was denied bail and got a couple post ponements until he was released back home. While he was gone I didn't put minutes on his cell for obvious reasons and when we did try to turn it back on 7 months later it had been too long to get the same number. But the number he texted me from that day that was SO similiar to his old number I knew it was him.

I texted him back anyway and said," who is this?". He wrote back, "the person you've been avoiding. Now I know. I would like to talk when you get the chance. Call me." I was with two of my girlfriends and immediately went into the back bedroom of the rented out basement apartment for privacy. We talked about what he thought happened and he still didn't believe me that it didn't happen but asked if I would give him a ride home. Of course I said yes.

When I got to his friends house I got into the passenger seat because he always drives even though its my car. I thought he was driving back to his house but we were going to mine. "Where are we going?" I asked. He looked at me with a horrible, look of hatrad. "To your house if thats okay." I said it was, of course. We got there and went into the bedroom. My bed was unmade and messy and I asked if he were staying. "Do you mind?" he snapped. I said of course I didn't I just wanted to put clean sheets on the bed if he were. He said thank you.

That night we made up.... a few times. Haha. But I did realize that night how badly I could hurt him. The power that I had over him. I saw that night how in love with  he was. For this tough, street wise, older man to be crushed by something he thought I did... I couldn't believe how in love with me he was. He asked me at one point, while making love (sorry if tmi) why I hurt him. He looked down at me and said, "why did you hurt me?" and had the most pained horrible look on his face. I pulled his face closer to mine and I said "look at me!" he wouldn't at first but finally he did and I stared into his eyes.

"This is all that matters to me, this moment right here, looking at each other, into each other, this is all that fucking exist to me. There is nothing else outside of this moment and this feeling. This is all that there is or could ever be for me." I held his gaze. I'll never forget anything that happened that night. "This is all that there is!" I emphasized. What happened was horrible and it was the longest two days of my life without speaking to him. It was the hardest thing to do to not answer his calls. But after that night, everything changed. I think because that love that we were both so scared to really give into, took us over that night. We showed it whether we meant to or not. From that day on we were so much closer. We held each other closer, we kissed more often, we never sat on a couch or layed on a bed without being entwined together. We shared our hearts often and in every way. That "break up" was the best thing that ever happened to us.

I just know, that he is going to "break up" with me again when I tell him I am keeping our baby. Not even break up with me, because he would never leave me pregnant, but just need some time to get his head aorund everything. If I had a choice I would postpone this pregnancy, but I just can't have an abortion. I just can't. I've been against abortion for myself for ever! He knew that! But now its here and its done. God those two days without him were HELL, how am I going to be able to manage the time I know he's going to need now?

I have to tell him, it just keeps getting worse. I want to be able to share things like sonograms and doctors visits with him, I know he would love it if he could just get his head around, I say again. I keep praying for the strength and to know the right moment but I just want to be around him and with him for as long as possible, just want to pretend this isn't happening for as long as possible. And if he didn't keep seeing how swollen my feet are and my random and odd timed need to be sick and my pure exhaustion, if all these things weren't happening, I know he would relax a bit.

I did come across a place that does abortion up until 18 weeks (omg!) and I told him about it hoping it would ease his mind a bit, I think he may think I'm trying to run down the clock. Ha. Obviously not the case.... sigh.

Help!

When it rains.... it really fucking rains!

I knew it was too good to be true. I just bought a Dodge Avenger two door, silver stick shift. I LOVE it! And our highest bid was two hundred dollars, they said they wouldn't let it go for less than six, we got it for four. Anyway, the interior is PERFECT the body has NO damage, I mean it was a fucking steal! Now on the way home, the radiator starts spraying shit everywhere and my baby starts smoking like Bob Dylan on 4:20. Smoking so hard that smoke started pouring into the INSIDE of my car from between the ceiling and the window shield. I have NEVER seen that before. The heat gauge shot up and I drove home with my hazards on just begging to make it the 13.82 miles from his mothers house to mine. I did.... barley.


Not a picture of my car, but my car exactly.

And to add insult to injury, getting off the highway on my exit in front of me was Jack. I got in front of him coming around the turn though and as I did my car became nothing but a ball of smoke, inside and outside the car to the point I couldn't see anything! He didn't know it was me but I texted him and said, "thats my car smoking!". It just figured someone I knew would have to see it haha.

Tano checked it at the gas station tonight on the way home from taking the kids to Chuckee Cheeses. Said he saw a hole in the radiator hose thats spraying, which explained the oil everywhere I saw when I popped the hood at my house, and that he can fix. He also said that it could be a few other things that we need a mechanic to do. Fuuuck meee! I mean, I knew I would have to put some work into a car bought at auction, its like the sixth car we've bought there and we know the drill, but this one just seemed like it wouldn't need as much and nothing that would incapacitate the car!

Thank God I can drive a stick! Well, the car I'm talking about IS a stick because I LOVE driving stick now that Tano taught me. I had to learn when my pontiac crapped out on me, it was drive my mothers manual Matrix around or not get around. Let me tell you, trying to learn in a parking lot with two people trying to teach you at once is fucking hard! Your husband hopping out on route 702 in Essex just before the highway and saying "okay see you tomorrow!" and being forced to drive by yourself, a MUCH faster way of learning haha. So tomorrow I'll be driving the Matrix and bring Tano back here to check out the Avenger and maybe we'll take it to Exxon to get an estimate or maybe we'll just call our guy.

In other news, yesterday, I came home after being at Tanos for a little bit in the morning because he and his mom were going to clean the house and I was going to do laundry and clean over here. After being home about an hour I got a funny feeling and looked for my phone. It was no where near me. Suddenly I thought that he had been calling and I searched for it and found it buried in my new bag. He hadn't called but not three seconds later, he did. I knew instantly something was wrong. He had lost the dog!


None of these are Puti but it is what she looks like.


Puti (pronounced Poo-tee) is a toy Yorkie, gorgeous little dog. She barks when she needs to be let out and scratches when she needs to come back in if you're not outside with her. She never lingers, does her business and then comes in. Yesterday Tano had gone out with her, she was taking a long time to go, he walked inside to throw a soda can away came back to the door and she was gone! Vanished! He looked for a while cos this has happens a couple other times, maybe twice and she'd always be found in the back alley playing with some kids or chasing a squirrell - shes very brave for her size! But after an hour of walking and biking he called me almost in tears. That dog is his baby! She's a trip, whenever he kisses me she runs over and forces herself in between us and starts to kiss him. If I lay next to him or on him she'll run over and jump right on his lap. She's great though, she loves me, just not on him!

That dog is his baby, she sleeps with him every night, lays with him when he doesn't feel good, cries when he's gone. She's also his mothers dog, thats his mothers baby! By the time I got to the house, she was there and she was fucking pissed! That puerto rican temper came right out! I picked him up and we drove around for about two hours and couldn't find her! We knew someone had her, for her to vanish that quickly and there be no trail. It wasn't like someone saw her here and then someone else saw her a block from there and then a block from there. Some kids saw her on the playground across the street and in the alley and them she was gone!

Tano and his mother by the way, live in a complex of very nice town houses, not like the row houses you see in the city, but very cute little square town homes. Theres a maze of alleys in the backs and across the street in their alley is a little playground for all the kids. Thats where she was seen and then vanished! We knew someone had her also because she is a toy Yorkie and they aren't like a pitbull where people are (needlessly) afraid, that is a dog someone would keep. A few years go she went missing because a woman in the area had stolen her! Shaved her and renamed her! Puti escaped after three weeks and came home. The lady was going to keep her until Miss J threatened to call the police!

Anyways, we looked and looked for her to no avail, took around her picture, asked everywhere. I told Tano that we needed to go door to door and ring the bells because everytime the bell rang Puti would bark and bark. That way we would hear her the moment we rang the bell. We also went to the Fed Ex store to make copies - until we found out it was going to cost $129 and change to make 250 color copies of just the dog! Another twenty dollars to add a phone number! I was confused as to why when I told the guy we needed to make a lost dog poster he didn't assume there would be contact info put on it.... uhhhhh DUH!

Anyway, we came home and I was making a list of shelters to call and putting a flier together that Miss J was going to make at work the next day. On the flier we were going to put that she was fixed (which she was but you're supposed to do for every dog anyway to deter people from wanting to keep your dog for breeding, though it doesn't work as well with male dogs) and I had the idea to put on it that she took seizure medication. Hoping that if someone had stolen her who wanted to keep her that when they saw that on the flier they would think that they instead wouldn't want to pay such bills and deal with such a dog. While I was doing this we heard someone yell, "we found your dog!"

Tano was out the door in two seconds and I ran up to get Miss J. When I said they found her she said, "get the fuck outta here!"

What happened was, Puti had seen two kids walking a dog towards the park and she took off chasing it. While in that back alley across the street and out of eye sight though not even half a block distance away, Puti was almost hit by a car. A woman saw this happen and took Puti into her house. She did this not only because she was nearly hit but because this womans neighbor had a Yorkie and she thought Puti was her neighbors Yorkie! Finally though, hours later the neighbor came home and told this nice woman that it wasn't her dog. They were having this conversation outside and some of the kids said, "hey these people are looking for that dog!" And then the whole neighborhood brought her back! We were so happy and releived. Miss J was happy that the lady had her and none of the kids because she had told the kids whoever found her would get fifty dollars! I guess thats why twenty kids came running from the playground when they were carrying Puti back!

It was quite the event, everyone was so stressed!

Today we wanted to take the kids to the fair but when Tano found out it was $8 for admission plus rides, games and food it was just too much. I had passes for us that would let us get ride all day free bracelets for $20 but it still would have been over one hundred dollars for the four of us to get in, plus food and games. Just too much. We ended up going to Chuckee Cheese instead and we all had a blast. We all got stuck on the basketball games because Tano liked it, obviously he doesn't just look like Mike Bibby, he can play too. I played for years as a kid and Jada was shockingly great for a four year old! While playing someone stole out from under Jada and I a little cup with tickets and tokens in it. How fucking sad, kids that age already stealing! So wrong!

Everyone had fun, well, everyone but Tano. He just seemed in a funky mood all night, depressed or something. I think maybe because he was fighting with his mother about something stupid. I'm not sure. I just get nervous because I always think its something I did when he gets like this. It scares me. When he's mad and angry and loud I can handle that so much better than when he's just so quiet like this! Its scares me shitless to be frank. But he said I love you to me tonight, which he does so often but sometimes he doesn't. He just says that its over used and loses meaning and he's right, and though he does say it five days out of the week, it still means the world to me when he does, because I know that he does.

I had a good time with the kids though, they were grateful for all they won with the help of Tano and I playing basketball and picked out some dumb toys and I bought us each a bag of cotton candy which otherwise would have cost 200 tickets a pop (big deal) and Tano and I got lollipops. I want to do more things like that with Puto so badly. Jada gets to do lots of things with her fathers thats for sure, but I'd love to do shit with her two! Thats my little girl. She went from hiding behind her father when she would see me, to hiding because she was trying to figure out a new way to come running at me and jumping into my arms!

I have to start figuring shit out tomorrow. Whats really going to happen. I'm running out time and scenarios here...... I have to tell him this week. I have to tell him this week. I have to him tell him. I have to tell him.

Soon...

Off subject

I know that some of my posts are a little off subject, but this one is entirely off subject.

My uncle is the second ranked Jet Ski racer in the country. Last year at regionals this kid who was very close with my uncle "accidently" t-boned him in one of the first races. Took him out for the day. That night the kid found a shop in the area, talked the owner into opening it for them to get repairs and didn't call and tell my Uncle. Even though my uncle was supposed to be "like a father" to this kid and he felt "so unbelivably terrible" about the "accident." That was late last summer. I was at this race, Tano was my Uncles pit crew, it was all good fun. Until the accident happened. Tano and I had left for a few hours to drive into New Orleans when it happened, I'm sorry I wasn't there. At the same time I'm glad I wasn't because they said it was so loud it sounded like a cannon going off and Steve disappeared in the wreckage for more than a few seconds.

At the following two races he was supposed to have a ride with this guy named Dean who sponsors "Deans Team" and both times, somehow, other rides stole his spot out from under him.


Steve number 707 on his small ski. Not sure from which race.

Now he's at Nationals in Nashville, and yesterday some kid goes flying airborn through the air, aiming for his body not for his ski, takes my uncle completley off his ski and Steve was just floating on the water. He had to be taken out on a board. He went back to the hotel and packed himself in ice and planned on going home, but realized he was going to be sorry if he didn't race today. Dean and some of the guys on the team patched his ski up and two of them literally had to put my uncle on his ski. Steve shoved a glove down into the throttle because he is so bruised and pained he didn't have the energy to hold it himself. He said he held on for dear life and he came in second. Steve is an amazing racer. Thing is he's been doing it for thirty years, hes 50. All the other kids in the races are average age, 23. They hate that he beats them and beats them.

'
With Charlies dad, some racer I don't know, and Charles Ewen (the kid who took him out last year in Mississippi.)
So now we're thinking, these kind of coincidences dont just happen in professional races. We're not talking someones hobby, we're talking TV time and sponsors (Steve is sponsored by Jet Tribe) and big money. Its just too ironic that this shit is happening over and over to him. People are being paid to get him out of the races, someone wants him to lose his sponsor and Steve just wont quit. My uncle is a very very experienced man in every aspect of life. He's drank with Deniro on more than one occasion, worked out with Dwayne Johnson, had a very fucked up relationship with one of Tiger Woods ex's, thank GOD she left, she was a fucking nut! At one point she bruised her own face and said my uncle did it! My uncle is a fighter, hes a big muscular man who has the body of twenty five year old, but he is the FIRST person to knock a man out for hitting a woman. Trust me I know from experience.


With one of the race models. Haha, Uncle Steve is such a nerd.

Anyway, people are trying to get him to lose his sponsor or stop racing or something. I guess when they realized taking his ski out didn't work last year at regionals that they would have to take HIM out. Sadly for them, that didn't fucking work either! My mother just got off the phone with him, hes going down to the last moto of the race right now. I hope he's alright. Its going to take a fucking LOT to get him to quit I can promise you that. People are SHOCKED he managed to race yesterday, they thought he was dead when he was lying in the water like that.


Freestyle in CoaCoa Beach.

I can't wait for my uncle to meet my little one next summer. Steve lives in Orlando and we live in Baltimore. We get to as many races as we can but we can't make it to all of them, so usually hes there alone with the Jet Tribe shit. My uncle is a great man and its going to take so much to get him to quit. I can't wait to get out to another race and be there to support him.


Uncle Steve.

Republicans are against abortion until their daughters need one, Democrats are for abortion until their daughter wants one. ~Grace McGarvie

He wasn't in the best of moods today and I hate days like this. He put the ceiling fan in the bedroom this afternoon, thank God because this little bedroom gets so hot! I haven't been getting any sleep. Its made all the difference in the world. I kind of chuckled while watching him put it in because when Joe and I were together before he died we were living in the other bedroom and he put the ceiling fan we have there up in that room. I didn't mention anything to him because he has always been jealous of Joe. I guess because the relationship didn't exactly end, he was murdered and yes I was still very much in love with Joe when I met Tano. However, falling so far in love with Tano who fell so far in love with me back, something Joe could never do completley has shown me and taught me what love is, and love is what I have with Tano. Love is what I felt with Joe, and though he loved me in return he proved that in his actions time and time again, he would never let himself go. Not the way that Tano has. Tano is my heart and soul and I am so far in love with him, more so than any other man in the world.

It was so nice to be able to lay in bed with him tonight for a few hours watching movies, we never have any alone time anymore. It breaks my heart that he wasn't in a good mood and he didn't "lock me in" as he says. This is when he bends his leg over mine and pulls me hard against him and holds me there. For the longest time I couldn't sleep without being locked in. When he moved back into his mothers it took a long time for me to adjust to being without him...

"Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning.
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
you felt as if you'd just woke up.
And you said “this is the first day of my life,
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you...”

I will never look at another man the way I look at Tano.

Which is why I'm so scared that he is going to leave me when I tell him I am not aborting. He brought it up again today. He asked when I'm going back to the doctor. I told him another lie. Said that I don't have to go back to the doctor that I only needed him with me to tell my mother I was aborting. Said that I just have to make the appointment to get it done. I started looking up abortion clinics on my phone, curious as to the prices. Also, if I DID want to have an abortion how the hell does he think we're going to pay for it? I got upset while reading this shit and he picked up on it and the additude he had all day dissipated. Which I appriciate that he was trying to be supportive but I just wish he didn't want an abortion. The way he talks about it sometimes I wonder if he doesn't want it anymore.

I get so mad, when I watch him with Neveah. She is 9 weeks 4 days old and I watch Tano with her and he adores her, he loves her, he would do anything for her and I wonder why he can't do that for our child. I get very upset. He doesn't even ask me if I want to hold her anymore because the last time he did I so adamently shook my head no and got so upset I had to leave the room after Ty asked me if I was okay and I did my best to assure her I am. I figure she knows, because Tano told Dame. He said he needed someone to talk to and I get that. I don't mind Dame knowing, or Ty knowing. I just wish he hadn't gone this far.

I have to tell him in two days, I have to. And I think about all I'm giving up. I know what I'm giving up. I know how amazing he can be and make me feel and how lovedf I am with him and how blessed I am to have him. I am not the most beautiful woman alive and he is so sexy, eleven years older and so mature and fun and loving and smart and insightful. He credits the moment we fell in love to the moment he was living in the city with Angel and I went down to his basement room to say goodbye to him and we ended up talking for two and half hours. He became someone else to me that night. He became the most insightful, profound, intelligent and articulate man in the world. He became mine that night, even if we wouldn't make it official for months to come.

I know what I'm losing in making this decision, I don't know what I'm gaining. I have never been a mother before, but everyone says its greater than the love of a man. I hope they are right, because I can't imagine a life without him, as I've told him time and again and he's told me time and again.

Abortion quote of the day:

No woman wants an abortion. Either she wants a child or she wishes to avoid pregnancy.

~Author Unknown


Article / Site of the day:

Aetna will cover any abortion, for any reason, at any time.

Monday, dreaded, Monday.... there is no more time.

It is the most beautiful morning I have seen since before this Indian summer... Saturday mornings are my favorite part of the week. Though I have to wake up early to get to the programs morning dosing hours, I get to be a huge nerd and watch my show! One Tree Hill. Brooke Davis is my girl, I feel so much of myself in that character and there have been times (nerd alert!) that I have stopped myself and asked myself what would B. Davis do? I know this seems so dorky but that character is so strong and the writing on that show is amazing. The authors they quote and the insightful voice overs. I adore that show! I channel that women often.

Its almost time to tell him. He is under the impression that at the doctors office on Wednesday I did in fact tell my mother I am having an abortion. I told him that I wanted to give her a couple days to let it sink in before I actually scheduled the appointment. I said I would do it on Monday. So, come Monday, I am going to have to tell him something.

In other news, and better news, I had an epiphany this morning, I am going to be a mother... I am going to have a baby, Tano's baby! With all the drama and bullshit surronding me, the majority of which was in fact self created, it has been completley lost on me that I am pregnant! With all the worry about my husband however, I haven't had the time to stop and think. My dream came true! I AM going to be a mother! As if that wasn't exciting enough, Tano will be the father!

I am starting to understand my mothers excitement. I cannot wait to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I want a boy who looks just like is father and is just like his father, the most gorgeous, intelligent, insightful, profound man alive!

I am going to post some of the love letters he has written me soon.

Shopping for furniture, turning my room into a nursery, buying clothes and carriers and strollers. I can't believe this, after all the years of wondering if I would in fact ever be a mother to a child I gave birth to, its here. Its finally here! God bless Tano. With whatever happens on Monday, God bless him regardless. He has given me something no one else in the world ever could. This child will be born of the most passionate, intesnse and amazing love that has ever existed. We have said on more than one occasion that what we have you cannot fake, you cannot will or lie into existance. We are blessed. We have been given now two amazing gifts from God. Our love, each other and now this child.

How could I ever abort something was created of such a love? Something that is of both of us.

God please let him come around...

Last post of the night, I promise!

I wont always update like this, I will always update at least once a day but never like this. I guess because I just started this blog I felt I had a lot to get out. I don't know whats better anyway, a few shorter entries or one long entry.

Anyway, I feel like this is really important to my storey and I need to include it:

In the event that when I do tell Tano I am keeping our child, he does freak out and not have a good reaction (a garuntee by my lieing), I am prepared to sit down with him and my lawyer and sign a legal contract with him stating that:

-- At no point and time during our childs life will he be financially tied to or responsible for this cihld, myself or any bills or debts (public or private) related to the child.

-- I will in fact, leave the fathers spot on the birth certificate blank if he so chooses. I will be ready at ANY moment to put his name on that line.

-- Though he will never be responsible for this child or my (the mothers) medical care, at any point and time that he chooses to be a part of our child's life he will be welcomed with open arms and no judgment.

That last one I can guarantee. There is no other man in the world to father my child, no better father alive or to be created. God bless him. The only reason I am willing and ready to make this contract is because of his babies mothers in the past. One of whom got pregnant by him on purpose just so that she could tie him down financially. This is at the point and time where my husband ran his own business. This woman and another took advantage of him for money. The mother of one of his daughters actually allowed their daughter to live with a medical condition that was fixable. Because the mother enjoyed getting welfare checks too much, she never got the little girl treatment. She is now in a wheel chair, cannot walk and can't be moved without help. It breaks me, that this was entirely fixable. Instead, her mother spent the disability checks on drugs. That poor child.Anyway, the point is I would never do that to her or to him or to a child.

I am so tired, trying to ease my stress over all of these situations....

Good night moo

This makes me sick... who could hit a 4 year old girl in the face?

Granted it was only from another four year girl, when I heard that my baby niece (well Tano's niece Jada, we aren't blood related but she adores me and I love her) had been punched in the face by another little girl at her "new" school, I was sick to my stomach.

Jada is beautiful and has taken a lot of shit for it at the age of four. Her mother Kierra is black and her father, my brother in law, is (obv) Puerto Rican. He's not full blooded Puerto RIcan like my husband but they share they same mother and Damien is half Puerto Rican, half New Yorker.... no not half white, half New Yorker, there is a difference. But this little girl has the most beautiful curly hair and perfect light brown skin. Little girls always hate on her. But apparently this girl named Diamond straight punched my niece in the face!

I can't tell you how close I came to really wanting to hurt this four year old girl, especially when I found out she outweights Jada by fourty pounds! Where the hell does she get off?

Since Neveah has been born, Jada has moved out of Gengas house during the week and stays with her Grandmother Gram, on her mothers side. This part of the family don't have the structure that Jada was receiving from Gengas home. She doesn't bathe every day, just does "wash ups", she never gets her hair done just braided with beads in it, etc. And when you take these braids out of her hair it shreds and rips the hair out and though she has beautiful hair its thin. I'm worried about her being at Grams house because there's six or seven other kids there between the ages of three and nine and just no structure!

Jada is so freaking intelligent its scary, she is Miguels age and so far beyond his levels of wisdom its scary.

Tonight I got to see Jada since before school started. As soon as I stepped in the door she came running to me and hopped in my lap. I LOVE this little girl! I asked her how school went and she said, "its not fun!" And crossed her little arms. Broke my heart.

I know this is off subject but this just made me so sad! All because this little girl is light skinned and beautiful.

In other news, I didn't talk to Tano tonight. When I got there Damien, Ty, Jada, Neveah, Jeanette, Tano and Elijah were all in the living room. Yes I want to tell him but in front of everyone? Yeah right!

Second doctors visit, morning sickness... afternoon sickness, evening sickness, and more excuses for the hubby!

It was my third trip to the office, but my second visit with the doctor, last visit was just for an ultrasound. I'm going to post the picture as soon as I can scan it. It was such a strange feeling seeing the heartbeat.... stranger still because it was my mother who was standing beside me and not Tano. That part hurts. He doesn't even know I've seen it, doesn't know I have the picture. Despite knowing that hes going to flip when I do find the courage to tell him I am keeping our child, I still feel guilty about experiencing these things without him. I just know if I tell him I have the pictures hes going to know I'm keeping this baby, and I am just not ready for that conversation / fight / revelation yet.

Doctor said fetus is growing well, so glad to have that miscarriage scare behind me. My mother had lots of questions about the methadone. Questions I already answered but who can blame her for wanting to ask a doctor? You know, considering the last time we had a pregnancy scare she told me I would be getting an abortion - not asked, told me! Its amazing how supportive she is being. My grandmother and brothers too. And surprisingly, my asshole of a stepfather is excited! It'll be different than just having weekends with Miguel (my late fiances son who I still spend weekends with) who is four now. Miguel calls my step father Pop Pop and my mother Mommom, they eat it up. It will definitely be different when its my child. I am so grateful to have such a supportive family. Especially with Kevin, my twenty year old brother. I raised him when my father left and my mother worked three jobs. He is my lifeblood and we were inseparable growing up. Until heroin pulled me so far away from him. I know there is a resentment there for all the hell I have put this family through, but I feel like this pregnancy is bringing us closer together again. He is excited. And when I told him about it and showed him the ultrasound, I told him why I wouldn't have an abortion and he was quick to chime in that getting an abortion could make it harder to have a baby later. He wants this baby.

All of this is so wonderful but I just wish Tano was a part of it. There is no other man in the world I would ever want to be the father to my child. The fact that this baby is a part of him and me, its a life we created made from the both of us, that is so amazing to me. As strong as our love is, of course we should create something so beautiful from it! I've heard the quote, "how can you love someone so much you just met?" in regards to a woman holding her new born baby. I hope this is the case, but is quite a reality that I may be sacrificing the incredible amazing love my husband and I have for this child.

It wasn't all a lie, I really thought that I loved him enough to be able to talk myself into an abortion - but I just can't do it. It is no reflection on our love, but on myself and what I'm not capable of doing. I won't feel guilty for this. I wont!

" I keep floating down the river but the ocean never comes. Since the operation I heard you're breathing just for one. Now everything is imaginary, especially what you love. You left another message said it's done... It's done..."
So anyway, the doctor wants to see me back in four weeks. He told me to stop taking my prenatal vitamins because they could be part of what is making me so tired I nod off all day and night, even with full nights of sleep and naps. He said to start taking them again during my second trimester. I will be ten weeks on Sunday. Morning sickness has been kicking my ass horribly. Until I googled a remedy and found that taking a B6 pill at night along with a phenegram (which I had an old prescription of from being a nauseous heroin addict) at night would ease the sickness. To my amazement the sickness vanished! Vanished over night! This truly is the miracle cure! At least for me.

Of course there are moments. Driving Kevins truck to Tano's house today so he could do the brakes I had to pull over and didn't quite get the door open in time. Tano did clean the door for me when I got to his house. ( I got most of it with an old rag Kevin had in the jeep.) This is why I want him to be a part of this pregnancy so badly, Tano that is. Even without supporting it he has been amazing, cleaning the vomit for me, always asking if I need a nap and making me dinners. God why can't we share this time?!

"You have a beautiful, beautiful smile, the way it curls and collapses on your lips. When you touch me I shake like a child. It’s late, I'm afraid you might leave, 'Cause sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me. There's nothing I can do to concentrate, it's so distracting, always thinking of you."

This entry is so scattered I am sorry. I am about to go over Tano's house now to spend the evening with him and Elijah (his 9year old son). As excited as Elijah was for his baby cousin to be born I wish I could tell him he's going to have a new brother or sister, I know he would just die with happiness. He is such a good kid.

I want to tell Tano so badly. I just want to get it over with so we can get to the part where he forgives me for lieing to him or misleading him and he can be the supportive Dad. Especially considering hes already done this whole pregnancy thing twice! Its my first and I'm scared.

Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much. I felt something that I had never touched..."

Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?

He would be standing next to me, the boyfriend whom I call my husband, and he was (figurativly) standing next to me, when all my dreams came true.

I have wanted since long before it was healthy for a child. Spawning maybe from being told after a violent rape at age twelve that I shouldn't expect to be able to have children. It was not definite; was not concrete; but it was as terrifying and crippling as any garuntee could be. Years ago before he was jumped in front of me and died in my arms, my ex-fiance and I tried to get pregnant. He already had a song, well actually two. We didn't find out the second one was his until after his funeral. Regardless, he already had a child. I was the reason that after trying for a year to concieve we didn't. That coupled with being told as a child I would not be able to have children, led me to believe quote firmly that I would never get pregnant. My mothers own fidelity problems did nothing to sway me from this decision. My brothers and I were all concieved through fertility treatments.

Enter Tano, the man - the only man, I could ever want at my side when all my dreams came true. After three years of unprotected sex ending in him pulling out, we find ourselves pregnant. My mother new before I did. In fact, I took the three year old pregnancy test only to prove her wrong. To show her I WASN'T pregnant. Imagine my surprise when two pink lines showed up.

My hands and knees trembled. My heart began to race.

Within an hour I had taken three more pregnancy test all of which, in any way possible - digital, visual, audio if they would have invented it! - I was told I was pregnant. Flash forward two hours and I was thrilled. I truly thought I would never have a child. After raising my murdered ex's son from the time he was six months old until his father was killed at age two, and after being there for my step children as much as I could - I wanted my own child.

When I went to tell my husband I was hopeful that his reaction, after the initial shock wore off, would be similiar to mine; scared but excited. In the past he had on several occasions spoke of us having children together. In fact once when I joked about having twins and ended the sentence with a sincere "yeah right!" he said, "are you kidding? If you were blessed with twins we would have them!" This wasn't a surprise to me, considering during past discussions my husband and I both expressed our anti-abortion sentimets.

Let me clarify here - I am 100% pro-choice. I donot believe any one has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. However I am 100% against abortion as a form of birth control. In certain situations, including rape and incest I believe abortion can be the only option. If abortion is the right choice for anyone else, so be it, but it would never be for me.

When I told Tano he was shocked, said nothing. I walked away and into the kitchen where I sat and cried for a while. I put myself back together and rejoined my husband in the living room, sitting in the chair next to the couch where he laid. "Come here," he said waving me over to him, he pulled me onto his lap. I asked if he were mad and he said no, that was the last we would speak of it.

Until late that night, I returned to my mothers house to sleep and he called. Asked what we were doing. I asked what he meant and he went on to adamently tell me he didn't want any more kids. I told him that in the past he had led me to believe he wanted children with me and that was not something I was willing to give up. Tano went on to tell me that he would not take that away from me. The same way he had told me in the past that though he didn't want to get married, that he knows I am young, eleven years his junior, and he would not take marriage away from me if that is something I wanted. The same with children. If that was something I needed, so be it. I could sacrifice my desire for a large family and he could sacrifice his desire not to have anymore kids, and we would have one. He was okay with this, but NOT now.

This is where I am at fault, because I led him to believe that I would not only consider an abortion, I would have one, knowing full well I would never. Flash foward about six weeks later and he is under the impression that I haven't gotten an abortion because I didn't know how to break the news to my mother that I wasn't keeping the child. In reality I don't know how to break the news to him! I've had Dr.'s appointment and Dr.'s appointment where he was under the impression I was going with my mother so that the doctor would be there when I broke the news to her that I would be getting an abortion. I made up excuses like the doctor was called off to labor or a rescheduled appointment to get out of telling him.

I keep thinking I have the courage to tell him I am keeping our child but I KNOW that when I tell him he is going to leave me. I truly believe in my heart that he will need his space and his time to sort things out but that by the time I give birth he will be there by my side. This is the same man who FOUGHT through hell on more than one occasion to get custody of his two children, sole custody which is never easy for a man to get. He is the most incredible father I have ever known. If my father had been anything of the man and father Tano is, I would have turned out much better.

Anyway, in two days I will be ten weeks pregnant. I have to tell him soon.

In addiction to all of this bullshit, my mother finds out on the 9th if the 7cm tumor on her pancretis is cancerous.

God give me strength.... In all seriousness he is right. This is NOT the time to have a child. I am on a methadone program and barley into my clean time this time around, he is struggling more than I am. We are both out of work and living with our mothers. I'm 24 and he is 35. By all logical reason he is right, but I don't know that I would ever get pregnant again, and with the possibility of not ever being a mother if I abort, well, its just not a chance I am willing to take.

I told my husband that I am telling my mother on Monday, so I HAVE to tell him on Monday.... if not sooner. Gulp.... HELP!