Republicans are against abortion until their daughters need one, Democrats are for abortion until their daughter wants one. ~Grace McGarvie

He wasn't in the best of moods today and I hate days like this. He put the ceiling fan in the bedroom this afternoon, thank God because this little bedroom gets so hot! I haven't been getting any sleep. Its made all the difference in the world. I kind of chuckled while watching him put it in because when Joe and I were together before he died we were living in the other bedroom and he put the ceiling fan we have there up in that room. I didn't mention anything to him because he has always been jealous of Joe. I guess because the relationship didn't exactly end, he was murdered and yes I was still very much in love with Joe when I met Tano. However, falling so far in love with Tano who fell so far in love with me back, something Joe could never do completley has shown me and taught me what love is, and love is what I have with Tano. Love is what I felt with Joe, and though he loved me in return he proved that in his actions time and time again, he would never let himself go. Not the way that Tano has. Tano is my heart and soul and I am so far in love with him, more so than any other man in the world.

It was so nice to be able to lay in bed with him tonight for a few hours watching movies, we never have any alone time anymore. It breaks my heart that he wasn't in a good mood and he didn't "lock me in" as he says. This is when he bends his leg over mine and pulls me hard against him and holds me there. For the longest time I couldn't sleep without being locked in. When he moved back into his mothers it took a long time for me to adjust to being without him...

"Remember the time you drove all night, just to meet me in the morning.
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed,
you felt as if you'd just woke up.
And you said “this is the first day of my life,
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you...”

I will never look at another man the way I look at Tano.

Which is why I'm so scared that he is going to leave me when I tell him I am not aborting. He brought it up again today. He asked when I'm going back to the doctor. I told him another lie. Said that I don't have to go back to the doctor that I only needed him with me to tell my mother I was aborting. Said that I just have to make the appointment to get it done. I started looking up abortion clinics on my phone, curious as to the prices. Also, if I DID want to have an abortion how the hell does he think we're going to pay for it? I got upset while reading this shit and he picked up on it and the additude he had all day dissipated. Which I appriciate that he was trying to be supportive but I just wish he didn't want an abortion. The way he talks about it sometimes I wonder if he doesn't want it anymore.

I get so mad, when I watch him with Neveah. She is 9 weeks 4 days old and I watch Tano with her and he adores her, he loves her, he would do anything for her and I wonder why he can't do that for our child. I get very upset. He doesn't even ask me if I want to hold her anymore because the last time he did I so adamently shook my head no and got so upset I had to leave the room after Ty asked me if I was okay and I did my best to assure her I am. I figure she knows, because Tano told Dame. He said he needed someone to talk to and I get that. I don't mind Dame knowing, or Ty knowing. I just wish he hadn't gone this far.

I have to tell him in two days, I have to. And I think about all I'm giving up. I know what I'm giving up. I know how amazing he can be and make me feel and how lovedf I am with him and how blessed I am to have him. I am not the most beautiful woman alive and he is so sexy, eleven years older and so mature and fun and loving and smart and insightful. He credits the moment we fell in love to the moment he was living in the city with Angel and I went down to his basement room to say goodbye to him and we ended up talking for two and half hours. He became someone else to me that night. He became the most insightful, profound, intelligent and articulate man in the world. He became mine that night, even if we wouldn't make it official for months to come.

I know what I'm losing in making this decision, I don't know what I'm gaining. I have never been a mother before, but everyone says its greater than the love of a man. I hope they are right, because I can't imagine a life without him, as I've told him time and again and he's told me time and again.

Abortion quote of the day:

No woman wants an abortion. Either she wants a child or she wishes to avoid pregnancy.

~Author Unknown


Article / Site of the day:

Aetna will cover any abortion, for any reason, at any time.