Thinking back I regret never telling you how I felt... I guess it feels worse. Well Alright, Tonight is our last night. Now you know exactly how I feel. The truth is out and I can see what's real. There's nothing left to talk about... well alright, tonight is our last night....
I don't know this song, have never heard it. But I came across the lyrics on a site. Today is his brothers birthday. Yes his brother who has NY and Yankee tattoos all over him has a 9/11 birthday. He hates that it happened on his birthday. His father won a set of golf clubs in a raffle but he didn't golf, she he traded them to someone who won NYY tickets for 9/11 in the same raffle. They were supposed to be at the game that day, but obviously it was cancelled. I don't know if I ever mentioned Tano and his family are from CT, so they are HUGE NYY fans. Damien has tattoos of NY and NYY all over him. Anyway, today is Dames 30 birthday I think. Tano is out running around with their mom right now getting stuff together to go to Tyesha's house for Dames surprise party. Knowing Jeanette they won't be there for more than an hour. I just came from Tanos house. After the party I'm going to pick him up and we're going to the movies and then hes coming back here to spend the night with me because he's doing David (My step dads) brakes tomorrow.
I am SO glad he is coming over. We NEVER get time alone anymore since we had to move back into our mothers homes. The last time we had alone time is after we had a HUGE fight. He said he didn't think the baby was even his. Which is impossible. He didn't mean it and I know he didn't mean it but that is NOT something you say to your pregnant girlfriend / wife / partner / whatever! I was furious. I think he may have told me he wanted nothing to do with me that day. He had gone a non sleeping binge since finding out we were pregnant. He hadn't slept in a few days. I begged him to come home with me that night because I knew the only way to put an end to it was to hold him until he fell asleep, its the only way to bring him back down. I'm the only one who can do it. I wrote to him once in jail and we had gone through a hard time where he wasn't sleeping and I wrote to him, "Do you know how many times I just wanted to lay with you, hold you and tell you everything was going to be ok? Just touch you until you fell asleep?" He told me he read that sentence over and over and over again for months. He wished so badly I had done just that.
Anyway I begged him that night to come home with me, but he wouldn't. I was home in bed a few hours later and I heard a car pull up outside and someone get out. I thought it was my older brother Bob being dropped off from work, his car had broke down and this was the norm every night. But in my heart I had an idea it was him. I jumped when he opened the door to my room. He didn't say much for nearly two hours. Finally I said, "I'm glad you came." He said, "I came because I wanted to punish you, I wanted to find ways to keep you as hurt as I am. I wanted to punish you," he turned and looked at me. "But the fucked up thing is I can't be this close to you and not want to feel your skin and your lips and your breath all over me." His voice cracked. He was hurting, badly, again. I sat still and I cried. He got up and paced the room, aggravated. Finally he said, "come here," in a voice I couldn't read. I walked to him and he pulled me against him and kissed me like it was the first time, or the last time.
That was the last time we were alone, the time before that, the night we got pregnant. Thats twice in over two months. Needless to say I am so happy he is coming over tonight. I don't even care what we do. I just want to be able to lay on his chest and hold him and for him to "lock me in" as he says. (This is when he lays on his back and I lay on my side and he drapes his leg over mine and pulls me close in against him and doesn't let me go.) Its been far too long since we've been able to do this, and I feel distant from him. I know a huge part of it is this secret I am keeping, the other is never being able to be alone.
In the last few days there have been times when sitting together on his couch in his mothers house watching movies when I have nearly blurted out, "I'm not aborting this baby!" In fact I've had to bite my tongue. I just want to tell him so badly. I don't think I was exactly waiting for us to have one more night together, but now that he is coming over to stay tonight, I feel like its going to be somewhat easier.... well, maybe not easier, but I have a feeling I'll be telling him sooner than if he hadn't been spending the night here. I just want to lay with him that way and pretend nothing is wrong at least one more time before our lives change forever.
And our lives are forever changed. We will never be the same. The more you change the less you feel. Believe, believe in me, believe... We'll crucify the insincere tonight. We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight. We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight. The indescribable moments of your life tonight. The impossible is possible tonight. Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight....
i hope you tell him....
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