Her pictures! Finally got on bro's printer/scammer/faxer/copier today.... First two are from 7 weeks, the last from 16 weeks.

OH! I forgot, I went to a baby class and I want to share what I learned, SHOCKING!

So I got an invite in the mail to go to this baby class, random, I didn't sign up for anything but I assume they either get contacts from doctors offices or online, I did sign up for many baby magazines and sites. Anyways, my mother and I went one Sunday morning and what I learned was actually shocking! Okay, well at least two things shocked me.

1. Baby walkers are BANNED in other countries! In fact if you own a baby walker in Canda you face six figures in fines and up to 6 months in jail time! ISNT THAT CRAZY?! I had NO idea. I did some research after I heard this and it really is true. Baby walkers can make your baby bowlegged, pigeon towed and take longer to learn how to walk. The piece of clothe/plastic that goes between their babies legs is very wide and it forces the babies legs and hips to be spread out and pointed inward. This makes children bowlegged and pigeon towed and it slows their ability to learn how to walk because instead of developing the muscles they need to learn how to walk they use other muscles in their feet and legs and it then takes them longer to learn how to use the muscles they need to be using.
2. Car seats have expiration dates! I had no idea but it definitely makes sense. They are mostly made of plastic and they do warp and bend and bruise in extreme weather conditions.
3.  Crib bumper pads and baby comforters should not be used at all: There in an article in the hand out given stating that Health Canada says that bumper pads should not be used at all. Bumper pads, quilts, comforters, sheepskins, pillows, stuffed toys, positioning maintaining devices, etc affect the flow of fresh oxygen to baby. The article goes on and on and on about why they are unsafe and how they contribute to in fact death. An article containing more information is available at: www.aap.org/policy/re9946.html
4. We were also reminded that the mattress bought for babies crib MUST fit snuggly into the crib because the smallest of spaces between the crib and they mattress is enough room for infacts arm to get lodged in which can cause the infants face to be pressed against the mattress and to sufficate.
5. This one we loved! There is a device out which monitors a babies heart rate and movement. Its sensor pads you place UNDER the babies cribs and a monitor like device you put into your room. If the babies heartbeat goes less than a certain safe amount an alarm will start going off in your room. The device detects the smallest of movements and if your baby stops moving, the alarm goes off. There is no prevention for SIDs but this will let you know the instant your baby stops breathing safely and you can be in his room calling for help the SECOND she stops breathing! IMPORTANT: Some of these devices do not have the extra pad, but just one pad to place under the babies mattress, so the moment your baby moves to the other side of the crib the alarm starts going off. Its much better to have the second sensor. Also, the best brand to get is BabySense V. It MUST be BabySense and it must be V - as in 5. They sell 1 - 4 also, but you have to get the 5. I don't remember the exact reason, but it was a good one. I'm sorry I can't remember the reason. But they also say to make sure you buy it new because on Amazon and the guy who ran the class said he loves Amazon he uses it all the time but this time they failed, they were selling RETURNED Baby Sense V sensors. Ones that did not work and had been returned! Insane! Anyway, we love this idea and we are buying one ASAP!
6. He also talked about baby high chairs. He had three different company's and three different chairs as examples and ALL of these chairs this full grown adult male sat in and fit in! The seats were huge. Babies could slide out of them, they easily topped forward and backward and dogs often jumped onto them and knock them forward and backward. He had to show instead a baby feeding table by Babee Tenda. The spelling of that name is important because they are imitation tables like Babie Tenda and Babee Tender, etc. The table has a seat in it that does not put the baby at risk for bowlegged-ness or pigeon-toed -ness. BUT my mother who is an occupational/orthopedic therapist did point out to me that the way the baby sits in it with all the pressure on the bottom of its bottom can easily and quickly cause pressure ulcers, so please be careful if you do want this Babee Tenda table NOT to as the class teachers said you could, leave an in fact in these seats for hours on end!
7. I was reminded that using old cribs is really dangerous. Its defnitely a concern but when expenses come into play sometimes you allow yourself to slack off a bit on what you know. He also pointed out that buying cribs without teething rails can really be a waste of money cos once a baby starts teething and chewing on those three thousand dollar oak railings... haha, it sends that money right down the tube. Its also illegal to sell or use cribs in California that has:

• corner posts that entend more than 1/16-inch above end panels
• slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart
• a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts
• cutout designs on the end panels
• tears in mesh or fabric
• missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware
• sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks.

 Anyway, I wanted to share all of that with all of you! Hope someone got something from it. Enjoy!

Wow... its been a while.

First of all, I want to thank all of you who took the time to read this journal, those who follow and those who have e-mailed me saying they couldn't follow and those who just read in silence. Many of you have supported me and many of you have completley disagreed with the road I took and the secrets I kept. I am thrilled to have the support of some of you and thankful to have the honesty of those of you calling me on the shit I needed to be called on. I hated what I did, I wished from day one I had just told him the truth and there were nights we sat together I damn near blurted it out. I just wanted to tell him so badly....


Well, I did tell him. Finally. Well, I didn't tell him everything, I did tell him the most important thing. I told him I wasn't going to have an abortion. Even after I stopped posting in here, I really considered it. Enough to make an apointment and fill out the paper work they offer online, but I never went I couldn't. I thought maybe I was could, so I made the appointment, but I couldn't. Its just not in me. When I told him, he was curious. He said horrible, awful things to me. I expected it. We've been through rough times and his way of dealing with ANYTHING is also to be incredibly angry first, then to be silent about it and finally to talk about it. We're in the middle of the silent part now. I guess that's anger and denial we're into. I'm just waiting on him to be ready to talk. I told him Wednesday night, the 20th and on Saturday he said we needed to talk the following day but I guess he just was ready yet. Since he was cruel for a few days and then silent and now he's just kind of ignoring it. Though he hasn't kissed me or touched me since Wednesday afternoon - that really hurts. I drive away crying nine times out of ten but as panicked as I was when I found out hes been under the impression for a few months that I was aborting so how can I blame him for just now going through what I went through months ago?

In other news, insert smile here, I found out what I am having. I went to one of those 3D 4D ultrasound places because they are supposed to be able to tell you two weeks before the OB's can. I wanted a boy so badly but I am having a girl, which I already knew based on the intense morning sickness I am STILL having haha and the fact that we had sex on a Thursday night and I conceived on a Sunday. Though I wanted a boy how could I possibly be disappointing???? She was beautiful, moved around a lot, danced and waved, you can see the video here:

www.AnticipationBabyView.com/LittleBoPeepMD/Baby1010201648.asf

I have been stuck on the name Anaya for a girl since day one, pronounced uh-nigh-yuh. Now, I've decided her name is for sure going to be either

Harlow Anaya-Rae Alicea

or

Anaya Harlow-Rae Alicea

Alicea pronounced Al-ih-say-uh NOT uh-lee-cee-uh. That's his last name, which I am going to use. My mother rkeeps asking me why I don't use my last name but first of all my father was an abusive violent addict and I don't want to use his last name let alone have my daughter use his last name. I have wanted to change my last name for ages, I wouldn't burden her with that same name. 

I finally got food stamps since I applied in August I got the money for August, September and October a total of $593 which was amazing! I stocked up so much I'm not sure I'm going to need the $200 I will receive sometime between the first of November and the fifth of November. I'm going to apply for WIC too but I'm not sure if you have to have the baby first or if you can apply while pregnant. I was denied medical assistance because I don't have a dependent living WITH me. I have one living IN me but not WITH me so I wasn't eligible. Haha, seems a little off for me. I also applied for cash assistance in August to help me pay for my rent which is $500 per month $125 a week. My mother has been helping me out because she knows its hard to find work when your 17 1/2 weeks pregnant. Nobody wants to hire a pregnant woman who they KNOW is going to have to take weeks/months off in a a few months. Since I have been applying for jobs and assistance she has been helping with my rent but that emergency cash assistance will help so much. I am so grateful for the help I am getting I can't even begin to explain it.

Also, though I have taken some college courses and when I did my placement testing I did receive special honors placement (had to get special permission from the dean to be put into honors classes because they were already full but my scores were so high they made an exception for me) I don't have a GED yet. I have a fifth grade education (yes I did go to school passed that but due to personal reasons I didn't complete a full year of school since fifth grade, I was passed from grade to grade when I shouldn't have been) and because I have such a low grade education though I can test so high in English and writing, there are tons of math and science that I don't know. I was never taught the formulas and that is not something you can fake. I'm starting GED prep classes after Christmas so that I can get my GED before the baby is born. I'm due April 4, 2011. 

Also I love that due date, though it is rare to be born on the due date I would like it in this case. My ex fiance, I probably posted about him somewhere, was murdered in front of me in the summer of 2007. His son had been born on April 4, 2006 and it would be great to have my daughter born the same day as Miguel.

My daughter.... its so strange to write those words. My daughter. She already has more clothes than many newborns and we're just gotten started. I have to get blood work done tonight or tomorrow for the genetic testing. Then I go in to my OB -who was ranked number one in Baltimore magazine by the way - to get the official sex determining ultrasound, a forty five minute ultrasound which will be cool to get more pictures. 

I'm excited. I cannot wait to meet my little girl. I've asked my best fiend Sharon -the one who lives in Boston now- to be the godmother. Her daughter was killed last year by a police officer who was driving so fast in response to a call that he OUT RAN HIS SIREN! He was traveling faster than sound when he came up over a hill and hit Sharon's daughter Rachel's car, the car was crushed and blew up instantly. They said hat she died instantly but I doubt it, I know for a fact that's what they tell families all the time but its rarely ever true. Sharon was just on the news last night talking about her daughters death. Such a horrible thing.... that's why I asked her to be godmother and also half the reason why I am putting Rae/Rei (Ray) in my daughters name. The other half is my very close friend Rei (real named Genevieve, I don't know where Rei came from either!) who died last year. 

Well, that's really all I have to post about right now. I cannot wait to meet my daughter, I'm so excited. I don't know what's going to come of my relationship, I know that he doesn't want to have another baby and that could very well be the end of us and as much as that kills me, I am having faith in the truth that many women have told me, the love for a child is so much stronger than the love of a man and I could never abort. I just couldn't. And just to state once again, I am pro choice. I do not believe that anyone can tell a woman she MUST have a baby, especially now that I'm pregnant myself, but I also DO NOT believe in abortion as a form of birth control. I cannot stand women who are lazy with birth control and have abortions three and four times a year. It makes me sick to be honest. Rape, incest, there are always reasons I believe an abortion is more than fair, but as a form of birth control - NEVER. 

I love him very much and I still believe that even if we break up for a while we will end up together. It may take him seeing his daughter first but I believe it. He fought so hard to get custody of his kids and when I watch him with his niece, I just can't see him blowing off his own daughter. Even if we don't get back together, I want my little girl to have a Daddy, I did for a few years, one who was violent and cruel and I want her to have a real father. Tano is the best father there could be. I remember his mother calling my phone one day to talk to him because rumors began circling about his 17 year old daughter. She was having a nervous breakdown because she had been sleeping with girls and boys and had gotten an STD and the whole neighborhood knew. This was horrible to him and his mother because they are both very private people. His mother was freaking out screaming at his daughter but when he got on the phone with her, I'll never forget what he said to her that day. He spoke very calmly to her and he told her not to be upset, not to worry that he was on her side always and they would figure it out together. That he loved her and he would be home soon. 

I listened to him say this to his daughter and it brought tears to my eyes. I told him when he hung up, I said, if my father had been half the man that you are, I would have turned out so much different. He smiled and I saw what it meant to him and of course he said the right things by telling me how I turned out just fine. This man who will be 36 in December, who had his daughter and son so young and went through hell with their mother during the relationship and then through more hell to get custody of them and then for years went through hell with her, their mother. For example, once when she had his then 7 year old son with her, she told him, Elijah, that Tano had stolen Elijah from her and taken him away without telling her where he was. The next day when he came hom he had a TOTAL emotional breakdown sobbing and screaming "Why did you steal me from my mommy?!" I mean this woman is SICK she puts these kids through hell constantly just so that she won't have to tell them that she didn't want them. Anyway, I watched him speak so calmly and so sweetly to his daughter. The way he said I am on your side don't get upset, we'll figure this out.....

He is such a good man. I wish everyone one of you could know all the man that he is because what I sit and write is just emotions that are fleeting, yeah he's human he gets upset and he gets mad just like everyone else but he is amazing and I could never explain in detail how good he is. Its hard, I don't want any of you to assume he's a horrible person because he is the furthest from it. Hes scared and yeah he may be a little more cruel than he should be, but arent we all at some point?

Thank you guys for reading and for commenting. It means more to me than you know.