Dear Baby,


I know this is terribly cheesy, but I've been inspired to write to you as Hilarie Burton as Peyton Sawyer makes videos for her unborn baby on One Tree Hill. It may be horrible, but I adore this show. In times of peril I have one way more than one occasion channeled Brooke Davis by asking myself, "what would B. Davis do?" I truly love her strength, Sophia Bush in life and Brooke Davis on screen. I just have so many things running through my head and I'm not sure which are to be said to you and which to your father.

Your father. Its so strange writing those words. Scary too. Before I met your father, I dated a man I loved very much. He was killed however, in front of me. He had a son with a woman who wasn't even two that day. He lost a father who loved him very much. I worry, often, that you may not end up with a father. I need you to know, just in case anything were to happen, that your father is the most incredible amazing man to ever take a breath. Your father saved my life, figuratively and literally. He gave me back the ability to not only love, after losing the man I was with before him, but the ability to be loved. It took a while and a great deal of ups and downs. I cannot begin to tell you all your father and I have been through together. During everything, I can promise you, I never doubted your fathers love for me. He has always made me feel beautiful and special and loved.

I look at your father nearly ever day, just last night in the car I glanced over at him in my drivers seat as we left the movies and I just took him in. His face and his body and his clothes and his smell. Its hard to explain, but for some reason, for no special reason, I fell in love with your father all over again last night. There was nothing he said or did, there was no need for it. I am amazed day in and day out at his love for me. How it conquers all. Our love. I pray and I hope that you are blessed with the unique gift that your father and I found in our love. I would love to show you the letters he has written me, the things he has said. What we have is so special and so incredible. We've said over and over you cannot fake what we have, you cannot will it into existence. It is born only from true and tired trials of love. I just need you to know, that your father is the most beautiful man to ever live.

He is also, the most incredible father. I remember one specific incident where Mariah was upset, she had done something wrong and the family found out and she was upset and your grandmother Jeanette was upset. Your father was with me and he got on the phone with her. He told her not to get upset, he told her that everything was going to be okay, that he was always on her side and not to freak out, they would figure it all out. I was so amazed at his maturity and love and knowledge of just what to say and mean. I told him when he hung up that I wished my father had been half the father he is, I would have turned out better. Your father is so in love with his children, and I know that you will be no different.

I have so many questions for you, as if you could tell me the future. I have been waiting so long for you. Now I know that it was just a matter of time, I had to meet your father, because you could have no other father. I had to wait for us to be where we are, even if it is not the PERFECT situation for us to have our baby, I know that it had to be now. We went through trials and it took going through them, each of them, to come out on the other side stronger. Now I cannot imagine going through anything without him, or losing him for anything, there is nothing we could lose each other for we haven't been through. I know now, that all these years I was unable to get pregnant it was because I was meant to be here, with you and your father.

You are already so special to me. I have for all of my life, felt I was destined for something great. Despite all the trials I have been through, and there have been many, I have always felt i would end up somewhere right. I just had no idea what and when that would come to be. Now I know it was you I was waiting for you. This child growing inside of me that is made of your father and of me and no one else. Your father has given me the greatest gift, something no other man could ever give me.

This is all so new to me. The swollen feet, the bleeding gums, stuffy nose.... MORNING SICKNESS! Child I have to tell you, I did not think I was going to make it those second two months. There were a few times I had to pull over while driving, once while driving your Uncle Kevins truck, your father was putting new brakes on it that day, and I didnt quite make it out of the car. Got sick all over the inside of his jeeps door. When I got to your fathers house I asked him for something to clean it up with.... he went out and did it for me.  Again, your father is so incredible. I really was under the impression morning sickness was a wake up in the morning, feel sick, throw up and be done with it for the day kind of deal. Who the heck gave the name morning sickness to something that lasts all day and all night? Awful!

I've been reading alot of those old wives tales on gender. I have my little wish but I won't say anything just yet! I know you are going to be perfect and amazing no matter what your gender is. One says if I sleep on my right its a girl, but I've always slept on my right so does that still apply? Another says if your left breast is bigger during pregnancy its a girl but I dont think my breasts have changed sizes at all and my left one has always been a little bigger. The chinese calander says you are a boy but the mayan calender says you are a boy. My taste for salt says your a boy. Morning sickness, says girl. The fact that I've been so clumsy and had pregnancy brain says boy. I guess anything is fifty percent right!

I want you to know I've changed my life for you. I've been very sick for a very long time. But beautiful things came from it. A lot of horrible things have happened in my life, but every single one of them led me to your father and to you. That makes every thing that has ever happened not just okay but worth it. So much more than worth it. I am grateful for every hardship I have had in my life - some of which halted entirely when I learned I was pregnant with you. Some of the more destructive choices I made in my life I no longer had the privilege of making because they would affect you directly. I will do anything, everything, to protect you.

I am so excited to meet you, I cannot wait to hold you and see how much you look like your father. I want you to have his beautiful soulful eyes. I'm also terrified. But I know so long as your father is there with me to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay - I will be fine.

Thats all I have for now, I will write again soon.

I love you,
Mom