Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?

He would be standing next to me, the boyfriend whom I call my husband, and he was (figurativly) standing next to me, when all my dreams came true.

I have wanted since long before it was healthy for a child. Spawning maybe from being told after a violent rape at age twelve that I shouldn't expect to be able to have children. It was not definite; was not concrete; but it was as terrifying and crippling as any garuntee could be. Years ago before he was jumped in front of me and died in my arms, my ex-fiance and I tried to get pregnant. He already had a song, well actually two. We didn't find out the second one was his until after his funeral. Regardless, he already had a child. I was the reason that after trying for a year to concieve we didn't. That coupled with being told as a child I would not be able to have children, led me to believe quote firmly that I would never get pregnant. My mothers own fidelity problems did nothing to sway me from this decision. My brothers and I were all concieved through fertility treatments.

Enter Tano, the man - the only man, I could ever want at my side when all my dreams came true. After three years of unprotected sex ending in him pulling out, we find ourselves pregnant. My mother new before I did. In fact, I took the three year old pregnancy test only to prove her wrong. To show her I WASN'T pregnant. Imagine my surprise when two pink lines showed up.

My hands and knees trembled. My heart began to race.

Within an hour I had taken three more pregnancy test all of which, in any way possible - digital, visual, audio if they would have invented it! - I was told I was pregnant. Flash forward two hours and I was thrilled. I truly thought I would never have a child. After raising my murdered ex's son from the time he was six months old until his father was killed at age two, and after being there for my step children as much as I could - I wanted my own child.

When I went to tell my husband I was hopeful that his reaction, after the initial shock wore off, would be similiar to mine; scared but excited. In the past he had on several occasions spoke of us having children together. In fact once when I joked about having twins and ended the sentence with a sincere "yeah right!" he said, "are you kidding? If you were blessed with twins we would have them!" This wasn't a surprise to me, considering during past discussions my husband and I both expressed our anti-abortion sentimets.

Let me clarify here - I am 100% pro-choice. I donot believe any one has any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. However I am 100% against abortion as a form of birth control. In certain situations, including rape and incest I believe abortion can be the only option. If abortion is the right choice for anyone else, so be it, but it would never be for me.

When I told Tano he was shocked, said nothing. I walked away and into the kitchen where I sat and cried for a while. I put myself back together and rejoined my husband in the living room, sitting in the chair next to the couch where he laid. "Come here," he said waving me over to him, he pulled me onto his lap. I asked if he were mad and he said no, that was the last we would speak of it.

Until late that night, I returned to my mothers house to sleep and he called. Asked what we were doing. I asked what he meant and he went on to adamently tell me he didn't want any more kids. I told him that in the past he had led me to believe he wanted children with me and that was not something I was willing to give up. Tano went on to tell me that he would not take that away from me. The same way he had told me in the past that though he didn't want to get married, that he knows I am young, eleven years his junior, and he would not take marriage away from me if that is something I wanted. The same with children. If that was something I needed, so be it. I could sacrifice my desire for a large family and he could sacrifice his desire not to have anymore kids, and we would have one. He was okay with this, but NOT now.

This is where I am at fault, because I led him to believe that I would not only consider an abortion, I would have one, knowing full well I would never. Flash foward about six weeks later and he is under the impression that I haven't gotten an abortion because I didn't know how to break the news to my mother that I wasn't keeping the child. In reality I don't know how to break the news to him! I've had Dr.'s appointment and Dr.'s appointment where he was under the impression I was going with my mother so that the doctor would be there when I broke the news to her that I would be getting an abortion. I made up excuses like the doctor was called off to labor or a rescheduled appointment to get out of telling him.

I keep thinking I have the courage to tell him I am keeping our child but I KNOW that when I tell him he is going to leave me. I truly believe in my heart that he will need his space and his time to sort things out but that by the time I give birth he will be there by my side. This is the same man who FOUGHT through hell on more than one occasion to get custody of his two children, sole custody which is never easy for a man to get. He is the most incredible father I have ever known. If my father had been anything of the man and father Tano is, I would have turned out much better.

Anyway, in two days I will be ten weeks pregnant. I have to tell him soon.

In addiction to all of this bullshit, my mother finds out on the 9th if the 7cm tumor on her pancretis is cancerous.

God give me strength.... In all seriousness he is right. This is NOT the time to have a child. I am on a methadone program and barley into my clean time this time around, he is struggling more than I am. We are both out of work and living with our mothers. I'm 24 and he is 35. By all logical reason he is right, but I don't know that I would ever get pregnant again, and with the possibility of not ever being a mother if I abort, well, its just not a chance I am willing to take.

I told my husband that I am telling my mother on Monday, so I HAVE to tell him on Monday.... if not sooner. Gulp.... HELP!