Losing him....

Its been a while and I'm sorry for that. Once again I was hoping and praying and bartering with God that he would make this go away. Since I'm passed the stages of my crippling morning sickness (I really want a boy hope that doesn't mean its a girl! - though I'll be happy either way!) it was a bit easier to turn my head and pretend this wasn't happening. Until today....

My husband and I were in the car having a normal good morning and I told him to pull over. He was in a left turn lane at an intersection so he just stopped cos the light was red and I opened the door. Luckily there was no one behind us but I was puking out the door so I don't think they would have honked. When I sat back up and the light changed again cos I had puked through the first green light, I just couldn't help crying. After a few minutes of silence by husband said in a voice I didn't recognize, "exactly how far are you now?" I told him 12 weeks, even though I was thirteen yesterday, I don't know what one week makes as far as a difference. He didn't say anything for a few minutes and then he said, "you and your mother have no intention of aborting this baby do you?"

I looked at him shocked - I don't know why. Maybe because I was sobbing and I guess I just assumed he knew why. I asked him, "why do you think I'm crying right now?" In a sarcastic voice but I didn't mean it so I said again, "I'm serious, I really wanna know why you think I'm crying right now?" He said he had no idea. I told him, sobbing now, that this wasn't fair! I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, I didn't poke holes in his condoms I didn't go off birth control, I didn't want this, but it happened. And now everyone was so quick to make all their plans with or without this child and I'm left to try to make everyone happy. Now the rest of my life has to be changed, because of something I DO NOT want. And thats the truth, though I dont want to abort, I did not want to be pregnant! I didn't! Not for anything, I didn't want this to happen.

He asked how the rest of my life was going to change and I said having an abortion. He asked how that was the rest of my life and I asked him if he thought I was never going to think about? It was never going to bother me? And he said no, I shouldn't and it wouldn't. He said that he couldn't tell that I wanted this. He said that my mother was doing a fine job of talking me into keeping it. I asked him what the hell he meant. He referred to a letter I gave him a few days ago because when I need to pour my heart out, I can't do it without crying like an asshole so I give him letters. This one told him that I didn't feel important to him anymore, loved or wanted and I didn't. He avoided my house like sleeping in my bed would give him the bug (that last post where he was going to come over - he never did.) He only ONCE told me he loved me without me saying it first, sometimes he wouldn't even say it back though he had always claimed not to say it too often to lose meaning, he never kissed me for no reason, he never put his arm around me or pulled me close to him anymore - things he had done a million times before. I used to feel on top of the world cos I got to be his girl. I used to walk around with so much confidence just from being his girl, but latley I didn't feel shit from him.

He told me, that the letter was nearly ver batum exactly what my mother had had a conversation with him about. I asked him what the hell he was talking about, he said the part about making a clean break. Now - I NEVER mentioned a clean break in the letter. I told him that if he didn't love me anymore to have mercy, because I left his house in tears every single night feeling miserable because he didn't want to be with me anymore. I told him that if this is as far as we go that he needs to have a heart and tell me, and let me go, because I will NEVER be able to walk away from him and thats the truth. Hes going to have to be the one to leave me because I could never leave him. But there is NO SUCH THING as a clean break from him. My heart is so tangled with his and my soul is his soul, there is no clean breaking. There is shattering my heart and ripping my soul out of my body and leaving me in pieces. I would NOT call that a clean break.

Also my mother kills me, she still treats me and anyone I'm involved with like we're 12 years old. If she thinks something is going on she wants to sit everyone down and have a talk. Its so frusterating because I KNOW she wants to do it from a good place, but he is 35 years old! You CANNOT talk to a grown man like that. Tano is not in a relationship with my mother, he's in the relationship with me and my mother DOES NOT get that she is NOT a part of it! Before anyone tells me shes just doing a mom thing, its so much more than that. We have NO boundries, she has NO boundries with my life. She told me just last week she doesn't want me going back to school, she wants me to have this baby, have no education or job and HAVE to live off of her for the rest of my life so she can control everything. She's had numerous SECRET talks with Tano behind my back that of course HE tells me about but the things she says are awful!

At the same time I'm dsigusted that everytime I pour my heart out to him he finds some way to minimize it, to diminish anything good I say to him - this time by acting as if my mother wrote it with me. In reality, my mother knows as LITTLE as possible. Its HUMILIATING to not be touched or loved or wanted by your own husband, why would I tell her any of that? My mother knows as LITTLE about our relationship. Less than you all know.

Anyway, he acted as if she wrote the note with me and thats when I just shut up. It was so insulting and such an asshole thing to say. To totally devaule the fact that I poured my heart out ot him in that note. He went out to say that I should just have it and I said "its really easy for you isn't it? Isn't it? To say have the abortion and never think about it again!" And he said, "yes it is." I'm sure part of this comes from his ex wife having six or eight abortions and having no problem with it but thats not me. And he knows that. I've told him time and time again before any of this happened I could never have an abortion.

Anyway, he finally went on to say this: If you have this kid I AM NOT staying with. I dont want any more kids. I dont dont dont dont!

And that was it. He has no idea but that was it, that was the end of our years. Because he had said many times in the past that he wanted kids. Once sitting on either side of glass talking on telephones after we were arrested and I made bail and he had no bail, he told me he wanted to have kids with me. Another time he called me from the jail and I was sitting in our living room after our dog had puppies. My mother and grandmother were there and made a comment about all the puppies running around. Tano said, "just wait til their little puerto rican babies running around!" Another time when his brothers girl became pregnant I made a joke that we would tell his mom we were pregnant and then say sike! Just so it would lessen the shock of his brothers pregnancy. I said we'll tell her we're having twins, yeah right! His exact words were "yeah right! If you were blessed with twins we'd have them!" All signs he wanted kids. Then suddenly after his neice was born the last day of June this year and his brother told us he was done, no more kids Tano says, "I'm done, I've been done!" I was shocked.

So when we found out we were pregnant, I brought it up. After talking for a while he told me that if thats something I wanted he wouldn't take that away from me, we could do it, but when our lives were right for it. Then today he said what he did. He didn't say, I dont want any more kids right now, I dont I dont I dont dont.... NO! He said, "I DONT WANT ANY MORE KIDS." He didn't say we could later - he doesn't want kids. He doesn't want anymore. He's didn't realize what he was saying but I did. I dont' know if he told me he would because he meant it or because he was scared I'd keep this baby if he said no. But I heard him today - loud and clear.

I don't know that I'm willing to give up having kids for him.... I wasn't even supposed to get pregnant and how look! How can I give this up? What if it never happens again?  I don't know....

NO ONE as even ONCE asked me what I wanted. Not once. And I still dont even know. Even I keep this baby I don't know that I'm going to keep it... I may chose adoption. I haven't decided yet because I've been so busy trying to satisfy everyone else....

I lost my husband. Unless I am willing to never have a child of my own and his youngest is 9 so its not like I'll ever be considered a mom..... I lost him.

But I can't help but thinking this isn't the end for us. The times in the past we've fought and broken up (the longest of which lasted one week when he broke up with me and then I ignored his calls cos I thought he meant it but just wanted me to give him rides or whatever and thats why he was calling but I knew I could never just be friends with him so I ignored the calls - finally answered and realized he'd been trying to get back together with me since the day after he broke up with me) anyway, the times we've broken up in the past, I've always known it wasn't over. One time he looked me dead in the eye and called me by my full name, "Melissa ______ ," he said which was odd enough because he NEVER calls me Melissa, always Mel unless he was REALLY mad at me. He looked at me and said, "Melissa _____ its over." And though I had been crying and asking him not to, I finally listened to my heart and I told him, "No its not. And you know as well as I do this isn't over. We're meant to be together, we're going to be together, maybe not today or tomorrow maybe not in two years but we will be. We're going to be together." I just felt it in my heart. That was in March of this year and we were back together that night - twice haha.

I just know that what we have is so special and theres no way to explain it. I've felt like this before but never like this. Anyone who is truley in love knows what I mean - but at the same time, MANY think they're truly in love but come to find out they're not. I am. We are. And I know we are meant to be together. Its going to hurt when we break up when I have this baby, but I just KNOW we can't stay away from each other. He's the Ross to my Rachael and we will be end up together.

You all think I'm crazy, but until you feel what we feel, you'll never know. Even when I wanted to leave him I knew it wasn't over, it wasn't going to be over. I said fuck it, instead of spending miserable months weeks, years, whatever apart and then starting to work foward, lets skip the whole fake break up stage and just start the moving on part.

I need help and I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to. I can't trust my mother, I can't talk to Tano.... the closest thing I have to a best friend is somewhere in Boston - I'm in Baltimore - so that doesn't work. I just feel so depressed and miserable.

Well.... at least morning sickness is over.... cept for random spouts like in the car today... I keep thinking if that hadn't happened we never would have had this fight.

UGH. I can't tell you how badly I wish I had told him from the jump I was going to keep this baby - if thats even what I want to do! I wish I could just press pause...