I have to tell him.... and much sooner than later.

He thinks I'm at home right now making calls finding out prices. In reality I was reading Rick and Sarahs blog. I really enjoy reading it, the way they write (very eloquent and articulate) and the wisdowm they seem to have beyond their years. That child is really blessed to be born into such a family and such a strong and positive love.

Anyway, I am really running out of time and I know that every day that goes by that I don't tell my husband I'm not aborting this baby, he's just going to get more upset. But I just want to be with him and imagine for as long as possible that everything is okay. That we are fine. I just want to keep him as long as possible and I just KNOW in my heart that he is going to need some space to clear his head. I imagine maybe a few months. Two years ago when he broke up with me (because of something that wasn't true and he much later came to know that) he still kept calling me. I stopped answering because if I couldn't be with him I couldn't be friends with him, not being that in love it just wasn't possible. Finally he sent me a text. I knew it was from him, because the number was SO similiar to his old cell number. He had just come home from a 7 month stretch in jail because he was denied bail and got a couple post ponements until he was released back home. While he was gone I didn't put minutes on his cell for obvious reasons and when we did try to turn it back on 7 months later it had been too long to get the same number. But the number he texted me from that day that was SO similiar to his old number I knew it was him.

I texted him back anyway and said," who is this?". He wrote back, "the person you've been avoiding. Now I know. I would like to talk when you get the chance. Call me." I was with two of my girlfriends and immediately went into the back bedroom of the rented out basement apartment for privacy. We talked about what he thought happened and he still didn't believe me that it didn't happen but asked if I would give him a ride home. Of course I said yes.

When I got to his friends house I got into the passenger seat because he always drives even though its my car. I thought he was driving back to his house but we were going to mine. "Where are we going?" I asked. He looked at me with a horrible, look of hatrad. "To your house if thats okay." I said it was, of course. We got there and went into the bedroom. My bed was unmade and messy and I asked if he were staying. "Do you mind?" he snapped. I said of course I didn't I just wanted to put clean sheets on the bed if he were. He said thank you.

That night we made up.... a few times. Haha. But I did realize that night how badly I could hurt him. The power that I had over him. I saw that night how in love with  he was. For this tough, street wise, older man to be crushed by something he thought I did... I couldn't believe how in love with me he was. He asked me at one point, while making love (sorry if tmi) why I hurt him. He looked down at me and said, "why did you hurt me?" and had the most pained horrible look on his face. I pulled his face closer to mine and I said "look at me!" he wouldn't at first but finally he did and I stared into his eyes.

"This is all that matters to me, this moment right here, looking at each other, into each other, this is all that fucking exist to me. There is nothing else outside of this moment and this feeling. This is all that there is or could ever be for me." I held his gaze. I'll never forget anything that happened that night. "This is all that there is!" I emphasized. What happened was horrible and it was the longest two days of my life without speaking to him. It was the hardest thing to do to not answer his calls. But after that night, everything changed. I think because that love that we were both so scared to really give into, took us over that night. We showed it whether we meant to or not. From that day on we were so much closer. We held each other closer, we kissed more often, we never sat on a couch or layed on a bed without being entwined together. We shared our hearts often and in every way. That "break up" was the best thing that ever happened to us.

I just know, that he is going to "break up" with me again when I tell him I am keeping our baby. Not even break up with me, because he would never leave me pregnant, but just need some time to get his head aorund everything. If I had a choice I would postpone this pregnancy, but I just can't have an abortion. I just can't. I've been against abortion for myself for ever! He knew that! But now its here and its done. God those two days without him were HELL, how am I going to be able to manage the time I know he's going to need now?

I have to tell him, it just keeps getting worse. I want to be able to share things like sonograms and doctors visits with him, I know he would love it if he could just get his head around, I say again. I keep praying for the strength and to know the right moment but I just want to be around him and with him for as long as possible, just want to pretend this isn't happening for as long as possible. And if he didn't keep seeing how swollen my feet are and my random and odd timed need to be sick and my pure exhaustion, if all these things weren't happening, I know he would relax a bit.

I did come across a place that does abortion up until 18 weeks (omg!) and I told him about it hoping it would ease his mind a bit, I think he may think I'm trying to run down the clock. Ha. Obviously not the case.... sigh.

Help!